My son is maybe the happiest person I know... until he isn't. Poor little dear is so sensitive and emotional, he can go from "Everything is great!" to, "This is the worst thing that's ever happened to anyone!" in roughly two seconds.
Obviously, this is par for the course for toddlers, who feel things so deeply, and don't have the language or skills to articulate or manage all those emotions. Grace was similar, and we have worked very intentionally with her to be able to articulate her emotions. We get right down on her level and ask her, "What are you feeling right now? Are you sad? Are you mad? Are you scared?" One of our proudest parenting moments was when our two-year-old was able to say, through her tears, on her own, "I'm feeling sad!!" and then articulate what it was that made her sad. It might be so silly as, "Daddy went into the bathroom," but you know what? The reason doesn't matter. Her feelings are real, and they absolutely do matter.
With Isaac, he still lacks the language to do this (though he does remarkably well for 18 months!), but the philosophy is the same. When he has a tantrum, we look at the context of the fit (has he just lost a toy? have we told him he can't have something he wants?), and imagine how we have felt in similar situations (when I lost something important to me, when I had to wait for something I didn't feel it was fair to have to wait for). Then, we get down on his level, look him in the eye, and say, "I know it is really sad to lose something you love. That makes me feel sad, too. You really love that toy, and Sister took it. That wasn't fair. I can understand why you might feel a little mad, too." As many times as I have done this, I am still amazed that almost every time (add hungry or tired to the mix and all bets are off), the tantrum immediately dissipates.
It doesn't matter your age, you see: people simply want their deeply held feelings to be acknowledged and validated. They want to feel heard. They want to be known and understood.
I've been thinking about this the past week as I have observed, and in some cases participated in the various social media debates going on about what is happening on our southern border. With an issue as controversial as immigration, people immediately go into defend-and-attack mode. Everyone knows that they are right. People seldom have interest in hearing any other perspectives, except just to knock them down, "gotcha!" them, insult them, and use them to bolster their own opinion ("See, you've just proved my point, you hypocrite!" is a phrase I have seen multiple times!). When I have been attacked in these debates, I usually get that feeling where my heart starts to race, and I formulate all the wonderfully clever comebacks and arguments that will definitely put that person in their place...
There is a sort of satisfaction in that, isn't there? Just like with a screaming toddler, it is easier and feels better in the moment to say, "Why are you crying?? Seriously, stop it! Get up, we have to go!!" This is, I admit, also a tactic I have tried with my dear, sweet toddlers. Any guesses how often that has worked out well for anyone involved?
Right. Zero. It gets my initial burst of emotional energy out, granted, but usually makes the crying worse, which makes me feel worse because the crying is louder and because I feel bad for yelling. Yet every time I then come to my senses, take a deep breath, and get down and say, "Can you use your words to tell me how you're feeling?" things calm down.
I have been learning about family systems theory and non-anxious, non-violent communication, and so in the latest immigration debate, I wondered if I might put some of my learning into practice on Facebook. As I worked on it, I realized how similar it is to dealing with toddler tantrums: look at the context, think of a time I have been in a similar situation, remember/imagine how that feels, and then, before I jump to tearing down someone's argument, recognize their feelings. Say things that are true for me, rather than what I think should be true for other people. Be willing to admit my own feelings about something, not my opinions. And maybe just skip the tearing down the argument part, which, as it turns out, never helps anyway, at least not on social media.
I don't know if my approaching conversations this way has made any difference for other people. We all know that no one has ever successfully changed someone else's mind by telling them they are wrong, and certainly not by being mean, and my guess is this approach also wouldn't change anyone's opinion. But I guess in the end, I'm not in it for that. I'm in it to understand. I'm in it to hear what people's real struggles are, and what forms their opinions. I'm in it to learn what fuels people's deeply held beliefs, and to find something common with what forms and fuels mine.
And when I try to engage this way (only sometimes successfully), I know one thing for sure: I feel a lot better about myself, because I have tried to make human connection, rather than tried to tear someone down. I have tried to satisfy that deeply human desire to be heard, known, and understood.
Just imagine, if people felt heard instead of rebuked, cared for instead of insulted and dismissed, how divisions could cease!
P.S. I recently became aware of this wonderful resource about bridging the political divide:
Better Angels - https://www.better-angels.org/
Check it out!
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