Saturday, April 6, 2013

The perks of no boobs

Most women want perky boobs. I'd like to think instead about the perks of NO boobs!

Since I got the news on Thursday that the mastectomy I had convinced myself was several years in the future is in fact much more imminent, I have been so stuck on all the things I'm losing. Of course this is natural, and believe me, I'm not over it. But today I thought, "Maybe if I just try to think of some good things, and embrace that ol' Johanna sense of humor while I'm at it, maybe I'll feel a little better." So I started brainstorming some good things that will come from not having boobs. I've come up with 12 reasons, but I'd like to solicit your help in coming up with more. Post other ideas in the comments below!

1) Obviously the big perk and #1 reason is: no more cancer. And no more fear of cancer (at least not breast cancer). Because what I have is "in situ" (non-invasive), once all my breast tissue is gone, there really is no risk of it coming back, because it hasn't gotten in my bloodstream. So that's an obvious perk. No more cancer, no more nerve-wracking check-ups... and no more mammograms! (Glory hallelujah!).

2) No more bra shopping, the very worst kind of shopping in my book (up there with swimming suits, which admittedly will be worse post-boob-removal). And related, I'll save a lot of money!

3) I'll suddenly become much more competitive at The Limbo. I'll be such a hit at sleep-overs.

4) Greater willingness to be a part of the wall in front of the opposing team's direct kick in soccer games. Also related to that, soccer chest traps will be easier - I was always so jealous of men's soccer for that.

5) Much easier to dress as a male character for Halloween.

6) Flop-less jogging.

7) Easier sight-line to toes (which are freshly painted, by the way, so hooray! Maybe I can spend the money I save on bras on pedicures instead - WAY more pleasurable use of money).

8) Chest-bumps with friends (or whomever).

9) Quick weight-loss: I will suddenly lose several pounds.

10) Most women get older and lament their saggy boobs. I will never have saggy boobs. They will be perky up to the very end.

11) As Michael's and my hearts grow emotionally closer working through cancer together again, they will also grow physically closer with no boobs getting in the way when we hug.

12) Hugs in general will be a lot easier.

What else?

Thanks for your help!


  1. Best start I've ever read to what could be an overwhelming journey!

    Kudos to you!

    I would add:

    "Sports bras are so comfy and you can sleep in them!"

    "You never have to worry about falling out of your top/dress."

    "If you feel like looking voluptuous, you can stuff as much as you want."

    "Rolling over in bed will be a piece of cake. Just remember to stop so you don't fall out of bed!"


  2. -Lands End has a beautiful line of mastectomy suits.
    -They won't get in the way when playing pool. Or golf.
    -With the growing popularity of milk shares, you can still give your future baby Momma Milk, WITHOUT the engorgement.

    1. Nice use of "engorgement." P.S. Will probably be taking you up on the boob cake mold...

  3. if your cat or dog crawls under a bed or dresser, it will be that much easier to crawl under the furniture to retrieve them.

    the frusteration of tanktops with bad built in bras will be an problem of the past.

    Less back trouble in the future, no extra weight to carry in the front.

    1. I have a little dog who can be kind of a snot and likes to hide, so this first one is of utmost importance!

  4. To "Flop less running," I would add: more comfort for horseback riding and trampolining! Less drag for competitive swim races! If you ever take up rock climbing, it's much easier to get your center of gravity closer to the rock face!

    Also, not to make you feel martyr-like (please don't!), but when you stand in the pulpit or at the altar at worship, people will see embodied before them victory over the grave (conveniently packaged in the form of a bright, beautiful, sexy woman). Damn if that doesn't mean something awesome for the church of God.

    1. I love that you clarified that IF I took up rock-climbing... yet, assumed that horseback riding, trampolining, and competitive swim races are definitely something to consider.

      But much more than that, I love embodying victory over the grave in the form of a bright, beautiful, sexy woman. Amen, sister!

      Most of all, I love you.

  5. Your experience makes you absolutely the best pastor, inspiration and mentor for anyone else going through cancer.

    1. This is most certainly true. Pastoral street cred. :)

  6. You will eliminate the age-old problem of having a "shelf" onto which falling food often lands. Instead of having stained shirts, the food will simply fall into the napkin on your lap. I'm not implying that you're a messy eater, but it happens to the best of us.

    (Also, lots of prayers are coming your way. Can I add your name to the seminary prayer list?)

    1. Yes please!

      And, I am a pretty messy eater.

  7. I would add that no boobs means being able to lay on your stomach without worrying about pinching or having to re-adjust!