As I have been thinking about the sorts of things you think about on New Years, I can't help but think about this time last year. I just reread my New Year's post for 2013 and it is amazing to think of where I was then and where I am now. In that post, I refer to seeing scars in the mirror - but they were scars on breasts, not long, red lines on artificial mounds with no nipples. I started that year with plans for excitement and celebration - wedding, buying a new house, dad's retirement - and a fair number of really worthy goals. One of those goals was to exercise more, and when I read it I feel a pang of resentment that for at least five months out of 2013, I simply was unable to exercise, or even get up and walk to the bathroom with ease, due to either a recent surgery or a sprained ankle (which, by the way, is bothering me again because I keep rolling it!). I wanted to floss more, but when we moved I never found all my floss and so I just haven't flossed since moving into the new house. Pathetic. I had some professional goals, like reading more ministry-related books, but aside from the few I read while on medical leave, I just barely got done the minimum I needed to keep two churches going, as I scrambled between surgeries and moving and planning/traveling for weddings. (As a result, incidentally, I learned to rely heavily on members of my congregations - I am extremely grateful for such wonderful lay leaders!)
I am torn between emotions this year about New Years. My more resentful side says, "Why make goals? You never know when something unexpected will come and throw off the whole plan." Instead of improving myself, my goal this year became surviving. Instead of reading more books, it was keeping in relatively good touch with my congregations during two long absences. Instead of exercising more, it was lying low and not pushing it, so that my body could heal. When I had a desire at the beginning of 2013 to be healthier, I had no idea that would mean not flossing, but cutting off both of my breasts.
But we all know I am not naturally a resentful person, and so I am trying to look at this turn of a new year in a positive way. The fact is, I am much more hopeful than I am resentful. I thought 2013 would be our year - and in many ways, it was. We got married, after all! And we purchased a house! And we started a life together as a married couple and overcame (and are overcoming) some huge things and have come out loving each other more deeply and more wholly than before. We have grown more confident that ours is a marriage that will work, and not only work, but also be life-giving. It hasn't been such a bad year after all, when you look at it that way!
Still, 2014 is going to require a good dose of hope, and just enough naiveté to maintain that hope. I know that we can make plans and goals and that an unexpected hand can mess them all up - and that in reality, that is more likely than not. But does that mean we shouldn't make goals to live a better life? Course not. So I'm still going to make goals. They are not so much 2014 goals as they are "Now-that-I'm-cancer-free" intentions. Here it is.
1) It is with some trepidation that one of our family goals is, "Start a family!" I'm afraid if we say it aloud, this, like all my plans for 2013, will be upset by something, and we will end up adding a puppy to our family instead of a baby. But this is still our biggest goal for 2014: after I finish with surgeries, and feel like my body is ready to sustain another life, Michael and I are going to start trying to fulfill this lifelong dream. Trepidation and all, we couldn't be more excited about it.
2) I'm serious about living healthier - both of us. One thing I did do in 2013, when my health allowed it, was play more soccer, and I plan to do that again. I'm also going to try to walk more, build that into my routine, and get Michael to come with me. And, now that we are a bit more settled and not anticipating any big surgeries or events this year, I'm going to learn how to cook some of the wonderful vegetarian recipes that people gave us for our wedding (Michael is a vegetarian). And, I'm going to drink more water. (I'm already working on this!)
3) As the year has drawn to a close, I have been devouring books, and loving it, so I'm going to continue this. I had forgotten how much books feed my soul and inspires me. I have been noticing a learning itch coming back, now two and a half years out of academia, and reading books helps to satisfy it.
4) Meet our neighbors. We have hardly met any of them since moving in 6 months ago. Michael and I have plans to bake some cookies and deliver them to our nearby neighbors, and to attend street events, and to use Klaus to meet some folks. We have spoken several times with our next door neighbors on one side, but even they didn't even know I had surgery. We want to have the kinds of neighbors you can ask to watch your house when you're gone, and who notice your routine is off and make sure you're okay, and for whom we can do the same, and who we would invite over for dinner. It's gonna happen.
5) I need a better prayer routine. My prayer life is so sporadic, and I think I would benefit from some focus and intention. This may go along with the walking goal, either along the way or right when I get back. I intend to try some different things this year until I find something that works better for me than what I have tried in the past.
I really feel pretty excited for 2014. All the eagerness that newlyweds should feel about starting their lives together, that we didn't really have a chance to feel before - I feel it now, both personally and as a couple. I'm eager to settle into a more normal life (whatever that means!), where neither of us are flat on our backs recovering from something. I'm eager to be excited about things that normal couples are excited about. I'm eager to meet my new niece, who is to be born in Houston any minute now. I'm eager to work on some house projects we have lined up, and make this exciting purchase more our own. And I'm eager to invest more into my ministry, now that I am two and a half years in and starting to feel really comfortable and not quite as green.
Bring it on, 2014! I am ready to see what you have to offer us!
4) Meet our neighbors. We have hardly met any of them since moving in 6 months ago. Michael and I have plans to bake some cookies and deliver them to our nearby neighbors, and to attend street events, and to use Klaus to meet some folks. We have spoken several times with our next door neighbors on one side, but even they didn't even know I had surgery. We want to have the kinds of neighbors you can ask to watch your house when you're gone, and who notice your routine is off and make sure you're okay, and for whom we can do the same, and who we would invite over for dinner. It's gonna happen.
5) I need a better prayer routine. My prayer life is so sporadic, and I think I would benefit from some focus and intention. This may go along with the walking goal, either along the way or right when I get back. I intend to try some different things this year until I find something that works better for me than what I have tried in the past.
I really feel pretty excited for 2014. All the eagerness that newlyweds should feel about starting their lives together, that we didn't really have a chance to feel before - I feel it now, both personally and as a couple. I'm eager to settle into a more normal life (whatever that means!), where neither of us are flat on our backs recovering from something. I'm eager to be excited about things that normal couples are excited about. I'm eager to meet my new niece, who is to be born in Houston any minute now. I'm eager to work on some house projects we have lined up, and make this exciting purchase more our own. And I'm eager to invest more into my ministry, now that I am two and a half years in and starting to feel really comfortable and not quite as green.
Bring it on, 2014! I am ready to see what you have to offer us!
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