But alas, yesterday I met once again with my plastic surgeon. The purpose of the visit was twofold: first, it was to be my second "boobie-lube" trip (fill up on my implants), and second, we were to talk about my one last surgery, to swap out the saline implants for silicone.
Neither of these things were necessary. I could remain the same size, just slightly less than I was originally, and I could keep these implants for as long as they last, which could be years. I would need only to have the ports taken out, which could be done as a procedure in the office. And perhaps that is why, two days before the appointment, I felt major resistance in my heart. It sounding like this:
* "I thought I was done with this. Why do I have to go back?"
* "I already know what these implants look like, and they aren't perfect, but they're fine. Do I really want to risk hating the next ones?"
* "If I don't go, and I just stay like this forever, at least I will know what to expect. I should just forget about that last surgery."
I have, after all, gotten used to the newbie boobies. Where most people look in the mirror and see boobs with nipples, I see mounds with scars instead. Where most women experience some bounce, I don't. And best of all, most women require a bra, and due to the aforementioned lack of bounce, I do not. It's not so bad, really.
Then of course there was the fear of the expansion. Last time after I had more fluid put it, it was considerably more painful than I was led to believe. I could barely drive home, and was knocked flat on my back for several days, and my recovery was delayed. I've been feeling so good lately, I didn't want to risk that again.
Well, I got over it. I went. The expansion was fine - it is a little tight now, just tight enough to remind me how I felt for about two months after the second surgery, but nothing that brought even a hint of tears. Dr. Langstein put in about a quarter of the amount of last time, so I am now in the midrange for how much these implants can hold. After he had finished the expansion, he had me sit up, and he looked and smiled and said, "Well?" I looked at him, waiting - how was I supposed to respond? He said, "They're bigger! I think those are very sizable." I chuckled and said, "Just what every woman wants to hear. 'My, those are sizable breasts you have!'" The resident pointed out that sizable is exactly what my implants are - they can be sized to my liking. Ha, indeed. The difference in size is nothing anyone else would notice, but they do feel fuller.
Then we talked surgery. Dr. Langstein didn't want to convince me, he said, but I told him I only needed to be reminded, now that I know what saline looks and feels like, about why I had decided originally that I wanted the gummi bear implants. Here's the breakdown:
Saline: This would be his last choice. They are harder and there is a fullness on the top that natural breasts don't have (they are round all the way around, rather than more volume being in the bottom half). The material is fine, but not the best. But, these would not require any more surgery.
Standard silicone: These are tried and true, and a good product. They are smooth, and round, but while some silicone naturally does go more toward the bottom half, they have the same problem of fullness on top as the saline. They are, however, softer to the touch, and closer to natural feeling.
Gummi bear: This is his preference, because they are state of the art technology. They've only been available for about a year, and are the best on the market. (I said, "How convenient that my body made cancer when it did!") They are textured, which helps them stay in place, and they are naturally gradated, so they look natural boob shaped even just sitting on a table.
(By the way, all of these options are much heavier than I expected - I got to touch and play with them - but the resident assured me that natural boobs are also heavy. Who knew?)
So I'm going to go with gummi bear. Really, I just want to be constantly singing the Gummi Bears theme song.
But really, all the things I don't like about my current implants would be addressed by these - the hardness, and the unnatural shape. Dr. Langstein even said that when they open up the skin, they cut out the old scar and make a new one, and it usually heals better than the original. My main concerns are having to have surgery again, when to have said surgery, and the possibility that I might not be able to go without a bra anymore - because frankly, aside from being cancer free, that is the best part of this whole experience. (Okay, that and all the wonderful people we have met.)
So now we just have to find a time to do it. It can be as soon as 6 weeks from now. But that puts us close to the start of Lent, when I will have midweek commitments. And then it gets close to when Michael and I have our musical performances (Death Takes a Holiday - March 21-23). So maybe we should wait until after Easter? I dunno. We're letting it all sit for now. Meanwhile, I don't have to go back to the doctor for another month. Yay!
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