But the tears this time around are different from a year ago. As I sang along with this collection of songs (and I mean, singing along like the crazy person you pass on the highway and make fun of because she looks utterly ridiculous, the kind of singing along that embodies that aphorism, "Sing like no one is listening, dance like no one is watching"), I would suddenly find I couldn't squeak words out and tears sprang to my eyes. It is honestly pretty fabulous to have a playlist that can manage to touch on nearly every emotion that this journey has brought up. And as each emotion is given due acknowledgement, I do feel that healing continues.
So, in honor of my one year anniversary of mastectomy #2, I wanted to remember this playlist with you, and in some cases tell you what line in particular makes me cry. (Note: this is not the full playlist that I posted here, but the abridged version that I made into a CD for my car.)
1. I Will Survive (Gloria Gaynor) - This seems obvious enough. I like to sing it as if I'm breaking up with cancer. "But I spent oh so many nights just thinking how you'd done me wrong, and I grew strong. I learned how to carry on." I want to sing this and shake my finger side to side in cancer's face. ("Oh no you didn't!")
2. Man! I Feel Like a Woman (Shania Twain) - This song serves as a reminder that I am no less woman for not having real boobs. I still feel AND look like a woman. And "the best thing about bein' a woman is the prerogative to have a little fun, fun fun."
3. Blackbird (Beatles/Sarah McLaughlin) - "Take these broken wings and learn to fly." Yes, it is broken boobs, not broken wings, but similar idea. The journey after breast cancer is a lot of learning - or remembering - how to fly, now even higher than before.
4. Extraordinary Machine (Fiona Apple) - "Be kind to me, or treat me mean, I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine." Sort of like, "Do what you want, Cancer, but you're not going to get anywhere with me, because I am extraordinary - way more extraordinary than you."
5. Bad Romance (Lady Gaga) - This song reflects the very complicated emotional relationship I have had with cancer. Of course, cancer is bad, but it has also fed me in a lot of ways (some not as healthy as others), just like a bad romance does. I think about the bad relationships I stayed in even though I knew they were bad, because some part of me was fed in some way (again, some not as healthy as others). It's something I can't really explain, so I'll leave it at that.
6. It's Too Late (Carole King) - Classic break-up song, a farewell to a boob that has been good to me over the years, but it has just gotten too bad. "It's too late, [boobie,] now it's too late, though we really did try to make it."
7. New Shoes (Paulo Nutini) - This has always been a song that I play when I'm down to help me remember that putting on a new pair of shoes (or a sweater I love, or a fabulous pair of earrings) can be enough to make me look and feel great. "Hey, I've got my new shoes on and suddenly everything's right. I said, hey, I got my new shoes on and everybody's smiling, it's so inviting. I'm short on money but long on time, slowly strolling in the sweet sunshine and I'm running late, and I don't need no excuse, cuz I'm wearing my brand new shoes." What's not to love about that?
8. Baby Got Back (Sir Mix-a-Lot) - Someone suggested I relish in my other assets. (ahem, ass-ets?) Even though this song is off-color, it had to be on this playlist, and continues to make me feel really sexy, because I DO still have some assets! Plus, I always think about how Dr. Langstein told me that the only place in my body that I had enough extra to make a boob out of my own tissue was in my "behind" and Michael said, "Don't touch the butt!" Baby got back.
(There is one line, "'cuz silicone parts are made for toys," to which I always add, "And kick-ass breast cancer survivors!")
9. Short Skirt/Long Jacket (Cake) - It's true that wearing a short skirt under a long jacket makes me feel not only incredibly sexy, but also incredibly powerful, like I can take on the world, especially if paired with a hot pair of boots. This song doesn't actually make me cry, but it makes me love life. "I want a girl with a mind like a diamond, I want a girl who knows what's best... with fingernails that shine like justice, and a voice that is dark like tinted glass."
10. Leave the Pieces (The Wreckers) - "There's nothing you can do or say, you're gonna break my heart anyway. Just leave the pieces when you're gone." Obviously it is a break-up song, but certainly losing a boob leaves a broken heart as well. Also, to be sort of funny about it, I had a skin sparing mastectomy, so they literally did leave some pieces when they were gone, with which to construct a new boob.
11. Beautiful (Carole King) - "You've got to get up every morning with a smile on your face to show the world all the love in your heart." What more needs to be said? Boobs or not, there is no lack of love in my heart.
12. Do You Realize? (The Flaming Lips) - I feel that all of the lyrics should be included here: "Do you realize that you have the most beautiful face? ... that we're floating in space? ... that happiness makes you cry? ... that everyone you know someday will die? And instead of saying all of your goodbyes, let them know you realize that life goes fast, it's hard to make the moments last. You realize the sun doesn't go down, it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round." This is so poetic and beautiful, I don't want to say any more than that.
13. Beautiful Dawn (The Wailin' Jennys) - Again, I love ALL of the lyrics of this song, which you can read here. I love that the refrain is, "There is only one way to mend a broken heart," and yet everything she mentions in the song is a way to mend a broken heart. In other words, live your life to the very fullest, experience pain and love and beauty. That is how your heart will heal.
14. Brick House (Commondores) - "She's mighty mighty!" What else do you need?
15. Don't Stop (Fleetwood Mack) - "Don't stop thinking about tomorrow. It will soon be here!" This line fills me with happiness.
16. One Day You Will (Lady Antebellum) - I admit this was not one of my favorite songs when I first started listening to this playlist, but it had been recommended by someone whose taste in music I really respect, so I gave it a whirl. Now, this is the song that makes me cry pretty much all the way through. Between the poignant words ("Down the road the sun is shining... you'll find the you you're meant to be... I know that's not the way you feel, but one day you will"), the beautiful harmonies, and the well-placed modulation, I don't stand a chance. (I cried when I wrote this just now.)
17. Stronger (Kelly Clarkson) - This has become something of an anthem for cancer patients, since this video. Not all the lyrics quite fit cancer, and unfortunately it isn't really true that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" when it comes to cancer, as many people are left physically weakened after treatments. I, for example, used to be able to do several push ups with no trouble, and now I can't even do one. But, I remember exclaiming in frustration to my dad shortly after diagnosis, "Why, when I have such a promising ministry before me, doing what God called me to do, should God slap this diagnosis in my face?" And his response was, "So you can have such a promising ministry before you." And I do feel that this experience has made me a stronger pastor - and probably also a stronger friend, a stronger wife, a stronger mother (I hope, someday). I hate that this is true, and wish I could have come by it another way, but here it is, and here I am, and I am a strong woman for it.
18. Titanium (feat. Sia, David Guetta) - "You shoot me down, but I won't fall. I am titanium." For someone who has been diagnosed three times with cancer, this just seems to fit the bill. You haven't taken me yet, cancer, and I have no intention of ever letting you take me down.
19. Just the Way You Are (Bruno Mars) - "Her eyes, her eyes, make the stars look like they're not shining.... She's so beautiful... When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change, cuz you're amazing just the way you are. And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while, cuz you're amazing just the way you are." Here is a feel good song that portrays how beauty, while sometimes visual, emanates from somewhere below the surface. At least that is how I hear this song. I think of two things when I hear it that make me cry. First, when my friend told me as I struggled with losing my breasts, "When I think of your beauty, I don't think of your breasts. I think of your smile. I think of your eyes." Second, I think of my mom: when I was recovering from my first mastectomy, she was in my second bedroom working on a quilt (which now hangs in my sewing room), listening to this playlist. When this song played, she came into the living room with tears running down her face. "You're so beautiful, Joma," she said. "I love you so much."
20. Don't Stop Me Now (Queen) - Long one of my favorite songs, it seemed an apt way to end this playlist. "Don't stop me now. I'm having such a good time. I'm having a ball." Not that cancer is "a ball," but I have done my best to make it so by making jokes, making friends, and making do with my situation. And you know, it hasn't been all that bad. Not a ball, but not too bad.
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