Trying to decide: a J's thought process

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my next big decision, trying out different things in my head, etc. The decision feels like a big task that I have to cross off my list, and my J personality hates that I can't cross it off my list. I live for crossing things off lists. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, see the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator Personality test.)

I at least know I will not be doing this in the next 8 months. We will wait until after we are married. That just makes sense for a lot of reasons. So the question becomes whether to do this shortly thereafter, or to have kids first and then do it later. So again, I'm going to my J-ness to help with the decision process. It's list time!!

Mastectomy Before Kids
Pros:
* I won't have kids and all their demands running around while I recover. This is one of the biggest.
* The risk of breast cancer is taken away earlier, saving us the stress of worry, not to mention the future medical costs of being so closely followed (every 3 months).
* With taking away this risk, we also feel less pressure to have kids quickly, although to be fair, we will probably still start trying as soon as possible.

Cons:
* How long will we have to wait before my body is ready to sustain a life inside? We are both eager to have children, both emotionally and biologically.
* Who wants to start their marriage with a major surgery? And one that significantly takes away from, you know, the things married people sometimes do? *blushing* I'd like to, you know, explore my new life with my husband to the fullest.

Mastectomy After Kids
Well, I guess just reverse the above pros and cons, but I'd like to add some further reflection... And I can, because it's my blog, and I'll do what I want!

When I first made the decision that I would go against Dana Farber's recommendation to get a bilateral mastectomy as soon as possible, but would instead focus on the 80%, I also made a decision to be very vigilant and take my health into my own hands. I've been conscious of what I eat (food without labels, if possible, and always paying attention to suggested menus for minimizing risk for breast cancer), I'm trying to exercise more, I'm taking supplements. There's a part of me that wants to see if that works! 40% is definitely scarier than 20%, but maybe I'm willing to take the risk, to just wait it out, and if something else comes up, then I'll think more seriously about getting the mastectomy.

Tempting fate, you say? Perhaps. There is always the risk that I could develop a much more threatening breast cancer than DCIS. And what if I'm pregnant when that happens? Can I be treated? Possible, but probably not the best thing, is it? Or, nothing could happen! I could get all the way through two or three pregnancies and never have a trace of breast cancer!

Also, this sounds really dumb, but part of me worries that all the things I'm doing that are so much better for my health will fall by the wayside if I don't have a really good reason, like the looming risk of breast cancer, to keep doing them. I like having that motivation. (I know, there are much healthier ways to find motivation for these things. I told you it was dumb.)

It is pretty clear from my list that the better option is to have a mastectomy before kids. But I kind of like the second option better. Why? Well, I'm sure part of it is because that way I get to put it off longer. And/or I get to deny a little longer. Perhaps in the next few months I will determine how much of the decision is based on healthy discernment, and how much is just good old fashioned denial.

The other thing I am thinking about is reconstruction vs. no reconstruction. Stay tuned for a post on my refections on this. (The fun never ends around here, I'll tell ya.)

In better news, my sweet Klaus dog is adorably sleeping and lightly snoring by my side. And our save the dates came in the mail this week. So there's two good things. Life ain't so bad.