Several people have said in the past days things like, "We are so proud of you guys," and, "You're so amazing!" I certainly appreciate that people feel this way - I have felt in these past days and weeks less amazing than I do completely overwhelmed and not quite myself. I'm used to being a pretty together person, but I can't hold a darn thing in my head these days. You should have seen me trying to pack to come home for our wedding, wandering the house looking for things I had seen only moments before, unable to find anything I needed. What normally should have taken maybe half an hour took more like three hours.
It's understandable, I know. We have indeed had a lot on our minds, and any one of those things would have been a lot for anyone to handle. One's threshold does rise when there are so many things to juggle - you just learn to cope with whatever you are handed.
But I promised myself that I would breathe when I got on the airplane. When I arrive in California, I know it will be busy once again - we are throwing a baby shower for my brother and sister-in-law tomorrow, and there are so many wedding things to take care of in this final week. But right now, while I'm on the plane, I am trying to breathe, and trying to soak up everything that is going on in my life right now so that I don't look back on it with resentment at how stressed it made me, or fatigue to remember everything, but rather, with the joy that it deserves.
You may remember, several weeks back, that I had made it my goal to seek joy in my life. I haven't mentioned it again, but I also haven't forgotten it. I have continued to try to figure out what it means to find and embrace joy. It is somehow more elusive than peace. I anticipate that pinpointing what joy is, and especially what it is in my life, will take longer than a plane ride, but I will share what I have come up with so far.
Joy is breathing. I have done so little of this lately, and I have noticed its lack in a stress level previously unknown. Now, sitting on a plane, literally suspended in air between major life events, I am consciously breathing, and letting go of stress, and recognizing the tightness in my shoulders and trying to relax it away. And when that breath lets out some of the stress, I can see much more clearly that my life is full of joy right now! (So much joy can indeed be exhausting!)
Joy is conversation. Sometimes when I fly, I keep to myself, but for whatever reason I have struck up conversations with almost everyone I've sat next to. There was the 2nd grade teacher who had never flown on Southwest and was dubious that this unassigned seating method would work. There was the woman with several interesting pets and a conversational 8-year-old who let me pet her stuffed dog toy and wanted a picture of me and her mom together. There was the mother of two adult children who is so pleased that her 35-year-old son so willingly does dishes and changes diapers, which is not something her own husband did. I will never see these people again, but just chatting with them for no particular reason about no particular topic has actually brought me a lot of joy.
Joy is verbalizing feelings. In our moments taking a break from packing, Michael and I sometimes find times to process aloud what has been happening in our lives. We think back together on interactions that were especially strained, and with the boon of hindsight, reflect on why they were. We remember things that have gone well, and give thanks for them. What a joy to know that even if we can't talk candidly about everything going on in our hearts at the very moment it is going on, that we are able to glean something useful from it later, and use conversation with each other to learn more about ourselves.
Joy is expressing appreciation. Michael and I have spent the last four and a half days trying to set up our house. We didn't get as far as I'd hoped, but we made some good progress. As of late last night, we have everything we own in the house, and so when we get back from our honeymoon, we can work more on it. Those of you who have combined households before know that this is no easy task. It is enough to cause arguments, and hurt feelings, and distress, and frustration, and resentment. With Michael, there has been none of this. Instead, I say, "I need you to put this higher on your to-do list," and he does. He says, "I need to focus on this right now, just give me a moment," and I do. As we have worked so harmoniously on this gigantic task before us, we have also gained an even deeper appreciation for each other, and sometimes instead of calling out, "Michael, I need you to do this!" I feel a genuine need to call out, "Michael!! I just needed to tell you how much I appreciate you." Or he looks at me with those sincere eyes of his and says, "I love you so much. I cannot wait to marry you." We agree that we are pretty thrilled to be building a home together. Even as we anticipate the growing pains that will come with living together, we know that each of us brings invaluable gifts to the endeavor, and remembering these things will help us focus on the true joy of being on the same life team as someone you love and respect and admire.
Joy is properly saying goodbye, so that you can also say hello. My spiritual director mentioned a book to me called Praying Our Goodbyes, and I bought a copy and started reading it in the airport. I also started reading My Grandfather's Blessings, written by a doctor/counselor who works with people with chronic or terminal illnesses. Both deal with goodbyes and grief and also with seeing blessings and love, and with taking the struggles of life and not asking "why" but rather, "how" and "who" - how will I gracefully make it through this suffering and who will walk through it with me? Reading these, especially side-by-side, has helped me to reflect on what I have lost in the last year, and what hellos those losses have also brought into my life. I think about my wonderful doctors and nurses, and the depth this has brought to my relationship with Michael, and a different way to understand and appreciate my health and body, and a deeper grasp on illness (from an adult perspective, rather than a teen), and a more mature relationship with God and faith. I am grateful for these things, and put in perspective, I wouldn't want to do without them.
I suddenly find myself overwhelmed with joy to the point of tears. (Right on the airplane!) I feel exceedingly ready to celebrate this week. Bring it on!
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