Good news all around, and the funny thing about feelings

"No cancer in that breast!"

These were the first words the nurse said to me when she came in for my post-op appointment today.

The words didn't come as a surprise to me - the mammogram and ultrasound hadn't shown anything, nor had Dr. Skinner suspected anything at the time of surgery, nor had there been anything suspicious at any point along the way.

"Good!" I replied, because I knew I was supposed to... but for whatever reason, my first feeling was apologetic. I wanted to say to my breast, "I'm so sorry I had to do that to you! You never did anything wrong to me! You were good and healthy and maybe you could have even fed my children someday, but I attacked you. I'm so sorry about that."

Aren't feelings weird? The appointment went on quite normally - I told her about how much more painful this recovery has been, she told me I am vitamin D deficient like just about everyone who lives north of Georgia, and put me on mega doses of vitamin D for the next 12 weeks. (Everyone: take vitamin D supplements - deficiency is linked to several different cancers, and most people are deficient!) When Dr. Skinner came in, she said, "It was so nice to finally have a cancer-free pathology report for you!" I said, "You could have found just a little bit of DCIS and I would have been okay with that... it would have made it worth it." She laughed and said, "You know, even as I saw it, I thought, 'She's gonna be disappointed!'" She knows me so well.

I mean, I'm happy. I really am. As Dr. Skinner said, "You're done with cancer!" Yes. They will still put me on "breast cancer watch," but I can finally move forward in my life, in our life. I guess I'm still holding onto some of that wondering - "what if it was all for naught?" Of course there's no way to know if I would have gotten cancer in my right breast, and we took the smartest, safest route, that will best allow us to move on. But...  you just gotta wonder.

After our good news at the breast care center, we went on to the plastic surgeon. We started with the PA, and after looking at my record of how much surgical fluid my drains have been collecting, she said they could remove BOTH DRAINS! Now THIS was good news, no two ways about it. I hate those drains so much. They hurt, they're gross, they hurt, they're awkward, and they hurt. My life is suddenly so much better without those drains. I feel instantly energized. Unfortunately, with the loss of the drains also comes that command from the doctor to really lie low for three days, limiting my activity as much as possible. So just when I suddenly want to sing and dance about my freedom from drains, I have to lie low. Drat!

Even though the day was filled with good news, I am finding these appointments brought up a lot of emotion in me, and I am still processing it. Perhaps there will be more posts about that in the coming days. Until then, celebrate with me - I am for realsies cancer- and drain-free! Woo-hooooo!