I broke.

Yesterday, I stopped to get gas, and I drove up on the wrong side. I have never driven a car where the gas goes in on the passenger side, but for some reason, that's what I did.

That's sort of where I am right now.

The night before that, the evening of my first day back at the "office" (though I wasn't actually in the office, but did some visiting and work from home), I completely broke down. We have had piles of bills building, several overdue. We are not unable to pay them, we just haven't done it. We'd sort of agreed that I would be in charge of bills, but with my one-chore-a-day system while home recovering, this was never a chore that got done. Too much sitting up straight and reaching and having to hunt down different things from different locations. We just needed to set up automatic payment so we didn't miss them, but neither of us have had the energy. So when we ordered pizza on Monday night, I said, "Okay, between now and when the pizza arrives, we are going to work our way through this pile." And we did!

Mostly.

But there were a few things being difficult - passwords not working, user names forgotten, wireless being spotty. I kept working on them after the pizza was gone, and as I did I got more and more impatient. Things that normally wouldn't bother me (like Klaus jumping on the couch and curling up next to me) made me want to punch something and tear out my hair. I kept sighing deeply and agitatedly, a behavior that very rarely comes out in me. Michael was getting stressed by my anxiety, and went to his music room, which frustrated me even more. Finally, while I tried to approve the health insurance plan my employer had signed me up for, and when I saw I also had to decide about life insurance and some other things I didn't understand, I just burst into tears. I started bellowing for Michael, who couldn't hear me because he had headphones on. When I finally got him upstairs, I completely lost it, stringing together complaints and sentences that may have made no sense, all through a tight throat and many tears - weeks of frustration at my inability to do basic tasks coming to the surface. "I can do this, I know I can!" I said. "I have been doing it for years! I'm an adult! I'm smart! But I just can't handle these basic tasks." I was hysterical. Even as I could feel the intensity of my emotions, my logical self was saying, "Whoa, Jo, this isn't really worth it. Cool down, sister." But my voice only got squeakier, and my face more distorted as I listened to Michael's reasonable replies.

When we both had calmed down a bit, we did finally make it through the rest of what I wanted to get done, and made a list of places I needed to call the next day. I'm extremely relieved to have all of that taken care of.

And the next day I drove up on the wrong side of the gas station. What is wrong with me??

Okay, I know there is nothing wrong with me. I know that my constant forgetfulness is to be expected when I have so much going on in my life right now. But as I thought about what prompted this uncharacteristic freakout, I realized just how many things have changed for me in the past six months. I reflected in an earlier post about some losses and findings I have experienced, but I guess now, two months later, that is sinking in in a new way. Here are some changes I have experienced in the past 6 months:

* My name
* My signature
* My body (again)
* My address
* My knowledge of how to get to or from my home from any other part of town
* My single status
* My living situation (no longer living alone in an apartment)
* The way I have to sleep
* My morning routine
* My evening routine
* My cooking - Michael is a vegetarian, so I no longer have many of my go-to favorites, and all of my comfort foods are meat.
* My computer - new computer, which doesn't yet have the comfort and familiarity, nor all the files of my old one.
* My phone - same deal. Better phone, but different.
* My primary bank - Michael and I are working on combining finances
* My personal way of managing money (as we find a compromise)
* My health insurance - not yet, but I will soon go on Michael's
* My family dynamic - as always happens when someone gets married

It's a lot. No wonder when I dropped my new, sleek phone on the driveway today and the screen shattered into a thousand pieces, I slammed doors and sat on my couch and cried. Here was something new that I was finally getting used to and starting to feel comfortable with, and it had to go and break on me. I could barely handle the thought of a new screen. This is how on edge I am.

And this is why I don't feel ready to be back working among other people, why I'm content to be doing office-y tasks from the privacy of my couch and home. My patience with everyday life things right now is so fragile, I just can't trust myself to hold it together. Hopefully another week at home will allow me the time to regain some composure with life. Let's hope so.