Since I had my expansion (aka, my fill up at the Boobie Lube), I have not been a very happy camper. I mean, my boobies look pretty good - fuller and less wavy. (Though I'm still afraid to pick the glue off, so the right side still looks really ugly...) But even though I was told the pain would last maybe 24 hours, I was pretty much flat on my back for 3 days, and then I started moving but only with a fair amount of pain. I really felt like 2 weeks of recovery had been erased. Michael made me refill my Vicodin prescription, which has resulted in general fuzziness again and whole periods of time that I don't remember. (I returned to my Concentus rehearsals this weekend - which fed my soul, as always! - but pretty much the whole rehearsal the conductor would stop to say something and as we started singing again I would think, "I have no idea what she just said." Once or twice, maybe, but every time?!) I have been taking the Vicodin when the pain is especially bad, and it takes the edge off, but otherwise I'm downing the Advil like it is my job and still, the pain never really goes away entirely. It pretty much always feels like I'm wearing a terribly uncomfortable bra that pinches and pulls in all the wrong ways, and I can never take it off.
Sunday I went back to one of my churches for the first time, because there was a congregational meeting after worship that I needed to be at. So wouldn't you know it, Saturday night was probably my worst night since the surgery. I woke up about 3am and tried to fall asleep with no success. I finally got up to go to the bathroom, hoping this would help, but it just woke me up more. Michael woke and asked if I was okay, and I said some pain meds would help. But then I totally lost it. As I sat there in the darkness with nothing to distract me, I started to feel so sorry for myself, as the sleepless hours ticked away. I whimpered away. Poor Michael wanted to help, and all I could say was, "I want my boobs back!" or, "I want to sleep on my side again! If I could just sleep on my side, everything would be fine!" For only the second or third time since the surgery, I cried big, emotional tears, furious at how unfair this was, and longing for a body that wouldn't keep attacking me. Klaus looked at me with those big brown eyes, his ears back in a posture of, "I'm sorry, mom, what can I do?" and he came over and licked up tears and snot. (I know, gross. But also sweet.) Michael curled up beside me and held my hand, sweet man, and this calmed me down until I was able to fall asleep.
I've basically been grumpy for a week. As the pain has persisted in my breast, my back has tightened up, because I can't so much as roll my shoulders without it hurting. I had a massage on Friday, which felt wonderful, but then the work she had done made me sore a couple days later, as massages often do when you haven't had one in a while. Last night Michael tried to rub out some knots from behind my shoulder blades and was amazed to find the muscles on my right are just rock solid all the way through. I long to go for a walk and enjoy some of the cool, fall sunshine, but that just makes me sore. So I feel like a slug, which makes me even grumpier. Uggity-ugh-ugh.
Today I saw Dr. Skinner and the wonderful ladies in the breast care center for my regular 6 week check up. They listened sympathetically about all my pain. They gave me a prescription for a muscle relaxant that should help, and told me again and again to be careful, not push it, etc. Dr. Skinner said, "The second one is always harder." Really? I said. Because I was told it would be easier! She said that makes sense, but something goes on psychologically and emotionally that always seems to make it a harder recovery. Or maybe, the nurse suggested, I don't have so many exciting things to look forward to after this one, so my healing drive hasn't been the same. Or maybe it's because this is a busier time of year in the church, so I haven't felt able to relax as much, since I don't have a whole summer of slow activity to follow this. Or maybe it is all of those things and more.
Whatever the case, I'm essentially supposed to return to work tomorrow. Yeah. I'm doing a wedding on Friday, so there's a rehearsal tomorrow, then the wedding, then confirmation class in the morning and the evening on Saturday, and Sunday is my first Sunday back. (Not preaching, but presiding.) I know, I *should* take a couple more weeks. But this is not a time in the church year when that is very easy. So what I will do is only go to work when I have to. Otherwise I will work from home, because I'm perfectly content to sit on my couch with my computer in my lap and answer emails, plan worship, put together Bible studies, etc. Driving around to visit people regularly would be a little much for me right now, but I can rally for short periods. And hopefully in a couple more weeks, I will feel more myself and be able to get back to work for real. Here's hoping.
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