A peaceful grief, with delight

Someone said to me the other day, looking at my pregnant belly, "Boy, you must be looking forward to having her out of there!"

I know that's a thing to say, and especially toward the very end of pregnancy that will likely be true, but I would not say it is true for me. But the comment prompted me to think about why, exactly.

The first and most obvious reason is, she's not done yet! Although Grace is over 4 pounds now, and about 17 inches long (holy smokes!), she has some growing yet to do. So no, I do not want her out.

Another reason is that I rather enjoy being pregnant. I love feeling her flutter about and seeing my belly move. I love looking in the mirror and watching my dream come true, right before my eyes. I love that I feel beautiful and strong, and like my body is doing something right. Already when I think about not being pregnant anymore, I miss all of that.

I also love this time of preparation. Yes there are so many things to do, and it can be overwhelming. But as I get things ready around the house, it feels good, like I am preparing for a very special guest, who is not so much a guest as a gift. Everything I do, whether it is planting fresh herbs, or researching vacuums, or cleaning the washing machine, I do it with joy in my heart for Grace. And aside from the physical preparations, Michael and I have talked so much about our hopes for her, what we want to teach her, what we want to provide for her, what we want to do with her. This is truly a time of dreaming.

Of course I can't wait to meet her, to see what she looks like and get to know her personality, to see if she will have dark curly hair right out of the womb like her mama, or be a long string bean like her daddy. I'm SO excited about all that.

But the other thing I have been thinking a lot about is that I am also grieving a little. Michael and I have been married a couple of years, and have loved the life we have built. It's comfortable, and pleasant. That will all change when Grace makes her grand appearance. In many ways, it will change for the better - I'm both excited and afraid to discover the ways my heart will crack open when I see her little face. (I just got a little choked up just imagining it!) We are both SO eager for parenthood. But we will never have this pleasant, comfortable life we have built again, and there is some sadness around that, too.

What I find with that realization, however, is also an added delight in the weeks we do have left of this life. Each activity we do together, I relish in it - going out to dinner followed by a quiet evening together, a simple walk, sleeping in on a Saturday morning, or tonight, going to the Rolling Stones concert! Big or small, these moments are precious. So even as I grieve, I am also very peaceful and delighted to be in this place, nearly 34 weeks pregnant, awaiting Grace's arrival.

What a blessed place to be.