My Birth Story

During the pregnancy months, I heard a lot about "my birth story" - the stories women share after their babies are born, and the way they feel about them, and how they went as expected or not. And I marveled that often, women would tell a story that I thought sounded horrendous, but they would finish with, "I loved my labor." How could this be?! (There were exceptions, and I don't discount these - I know a lot of women carry a lot of baggage about how their labor and delivery turned out. That's just not what this blog is about.)

Now, I understand. I had thought long and hard about how I wanted things to go, and I had a terribly difficult time accepting that it might not go that way. But guess what? It didn't go as I planned... and I wouldn't have it any other way. I might next time, but for this time, my labor and delivery was perfect. 

So allow me to share my story.

Grace was 13 days overdue. This was draining, more emotionally than physically. It finally got to the point where my doctors no longer felt it was safe for her to stay in there, and so we made the decision to induce. I was really distressed about this. I had so much baggage about wanting my body to do something right, and I hated that once again, I was going to need medical intervention. With the help of my dear husband, I finally accepted this reality, and tried to believe that this could still be a wonderful labor and delivery, even if I had to have the medical intervention I had so badly wanted to

Mom and Dad came to check out our digs, which we did our
best to make look like home.

avoid. 

It turned out that knowing just when this would happen gave us a wonderful gift: we were able to spend the rest of the day consciously preparing for the event. We spent some time alone, some time together, we went for a walk, we cuddled with the dog, we picked up the house and got it ready for my parents to stay there the next couple days to take care of Klaus. This intentional time together was very special, and I'm so grateful we had it. 

Once we got to the hospital, the doctor on call, Dr. D., came to talk to us, and we immediately liked her. She said, "I know you really wanted a natural birth, and we're going to do everything we can to make it as close to that as possible." I felt a burden lifted. She told me about the drug they would use to ripen my cervix, Cervadil, which they would insert and after 12 hours, we would re-evaluate, and possibly start the Pitocin then. It was a slower, but gentler approach, she said, and if I were to go into natural labor during that time, they would abandon the rest of the plan and let my body do what it does. Sounded good to me, and I said a silent prayer that I would, in fact, go into natural labor during the next 12 hours.

As per my request, they hooked me up to the portable monitor so I could walk around. Michael and I

All suited up with my monitor "purse."

explored the third floor. It wasn't exactly as I had pictured it, but I was walking, and that's what I wanted, and I was so grateful to the doctor for making it possible. After our walk, we took our time going to bed, because we expected to be in this for the long haul.

How wrong we were!

An hour after falling asleep, I started having contractions. Unable to sleep, I texted with a friend, then called the nurse in. Between the time I called her and the time someone actually came (around 3:30am), my contractions had grown too strong and frequent for me to get any sleep, even with sleep medicine. Since I had only slept an hour and needed more energy for impending labor, we opted for some morphine mixed with Nubain, which allowed me for two hours to sleep during the few minutes between contractions. Totally worked: Michael said I would moan through a contraction, while he massaged my back, then immediately my breathing would change to the measured breathing of sleep. 

Michael texted our doula, Alison, and she came right away. I was aware of her entering the room, but one of my more vivid memories of those hours was when she touched my back for the first time - her cool hands were such sweet relief, and she knew just where to touch my back, and the pain immediately dissipated. This may be too dramatic, but it reminded me of Jesus' healing stories, where "immediately" an ailment leaves the person at the mere touch of the Healer. I felt calmer just knowing she was there. Her being there also allowed Michael 90 minutes of (fitful) sleep, which was essential to get through the next part.

At some point, I became very aware of the need to push. It wasn't even a mental awareness so much as a completely physical one, that is, I was pushing before I realized I was doing it and thought to tell anyone. What an amazing thing, to feel my body know how to do something, to listen to it, to let it guide the process. When I told the doctors and nurses I was pushing, they didn't believe I was ready so soon, but an exam (between my now rapid fire contractions) revealed that I was indeed ready. I think it was during this time that my water broke, around 7am - a fact I felt the need to announce to everyone ("Water broke! Water broke! Water broke!" I said, with every breath), as if they couldn't see the gush that had just come out of me! Just trying to be helpful, you know. :)

Nurse Alicia and Doula Alison - a great team!

I heard the nurse, Alicia, say, "As much as I'd love to deliver this baby, they don't like it when I do that, so I'm going to call the doctor," then heard her on the phone, "No, you need to come now. No, now." No one could believe how fast this was happening! There wasn't even time for the pediatrician to get there (there was meconium in the amniotic fluid, so they usually have the peds come in this case).

At some point, Alison had me move from being on my side, to being on all fours. I had tried that earlier without success, but now it gave me relief. She then had me turn to face the wall behind the bed, and put my arms over the back of it, so I was on my knees with my back to the doctor. When the doctor came in, someone said, "Can you deliver this way?" He said he never had before (in 27 years!), but could certainly figure it out! (Later her said, "Wow, that worked pretty well!" Turns out having gravity on your side is helpful, not to mention being in a position more conducive to baby movement as opposed to ease for the doctor.)

I had heard about the "ring of fire" - when baby's head is coming out and you can't imagine your skin could possible stretch any more to let the kid through. This was the only time I was ready to admit defeat. I said into my pillow, "I can't do this." (Did I not want anyone else to think I was doubting myself? I don't know.) But then I thought: this hurts so much already, and it's going to hurt even more when she goes through there, but she can't go the other way. I guess this is the only option. Good use of logic, Jo. I resolved to do it (as if there was really a choice).

Two great, rapid pushes later (Bam, Bam), I felt each of Grace's little limbs passing by, and it was the most exciting and exhilarating feeling I have ever experienced. I felt my child enter the world. All the pain was absolutely worth it for that two seconds. It didn't take long for me to forget what the pain of labor felt like. But I can still remember both the need to push, and what it felt like the moment my daughter came out of the womb. Wow. Wow. It was everything I had wanted, everything I had hoped for in my labor and delivery experience. It was everything.

Our first picture together!
During skin-to-skin time.

That is, it was everything until I saw that slippery little beauty. As soon as Michael (who was by this time weeping for the sheer emotion of it all) had cut the umbilical cord, they placed Grace on my chest for some skin-to-skin time, and for about 45 minutes, we got to know each other a bit (then I passed her on to Michael for skin-to-skin with his daughter). I searched her face for familiar features, and tried to grasp that this little person was someone I at once already knew, and was only just getting to know. I didn't feel the overwhelming rush of emotion I expected, because I really felt like this was someone I already knew, and we were just hanging out face to face now, and it was the most natural, ordinary thing in the world. My daughter. Of course.

All in all, this was certainly the most incredible experience of my life, and it was everything I could possibly have hoped for and more. I am so grateful to my amazing husband, and all the wonderful doctors and nurses for being so sensitive to my hopes and desires, and for all the care they offered before, during and after. 

First family picture

A friend of mine had offered me the advice, while I was still anxiously waiting and pregnant, that sometimes things don't go at all how you wanted, but how they go turns out to be exactly what you wanted. Throughout my story, this was so true for me. Every time something happened that I didn't want, it ended up being such a gift: a planned induction allowed us time to prepare our hearts, minds, and home, medical intervention helped my body realize what it was supposed to do so that it could do it on its own, morphine allowed me some much needed sleep. And in the end, all the things I truly wanted - those feelings I will never forget of pushing and feeling Grace enter the world, and of course a healthy child at the end of it all - were not compromised. This sage advice is something I will continue to hold onto and unpack throughout this new life. Thanks be to God, that God is the one in charge, and not me. God knew the best way all along.