Pentecost 14A
September 10, 2017
Matthew 18:15-20
Grace to you and peace from God our
Father and our Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.
My little
Grace loves her baby brother very much and likes to spend time with him. But
sometimes, like all little brothers, he annoys her – usually by either holding
onto a corner of her blankie, or by crawling up on her while she is trying to
enjoy some lap time with one of her parents. These occurrences usually result
in Grace swatting at him, saying, “No, Isaac!” This is 2-year-old conflict
management.
 |
| Getting along is hard. |
Give them a
few years and it might be more like what I witnessed at their daycare last
week. Four school-age kids were playing on the playground, but when I walked
out, I saw one of them standing on one side of the yard, pouting in the general
direction of the other three, who stood staring her down from the play
structure. I asked what was going on, and so began a flood of, “She said… they
said… she stole the chalk… they were mean…” etc. I suggested everyone owed
someone else an apology, and they stared at me blankly. I asked if everyone
could think of one thing they had done that might have hurt someone else’s
feelings, and they resorted once again to telling me what the offending party
had done. This is elementary age conflict management.
Surely by
the time we get to be adults, we are better at this, right? And definitely we
in the church, in a place that gathers around the promise of love and
forgiveness – we have found a way to be in a community without conflict, right?
Ah, not so. Anyone who has been around the church – or any community, really –
knows that conflict is very much a part of being in any community. For all of
the gifts that community and relationship have to offer us, it is very hard work,
and no one is immune to conflict: not couples who are madly in love, not best
friends, not extended families, and no, not even the church. We may not swat at
each other and say, “No!” but we still lash out at each other, and often in more
painful ways. We may not ostracize each other from the play structure or steal
each other’s sidewalk chalk, but we ostracize each other and steal each other’s
reputations by gossiping about each other, rather than confronting issues head
on, and we point fingers rather than noticing our own part in the brokenness. Or
sometimes, like my sweet, affable Isaac, we just go along our way, ignoring
conflicts, until finally one small thing sets us off, and we can’t take it
anymore and start screaming. Conflict management may change form as we grow in
years and maturity, but it is always difficult.
That is why
Jesus offers us this bit of instruction on how to manage the conflicts that
arise within the beloved community of the church. The first thing to notice
here, is just that Jesus felt the need to say this at all. Because Jesus knows
being a part of a church community does not immunize us from conflict. When we
gather in community, it is not a matter of if, but when challenges arise. What
makes the church unique is not whether
there is conflict, but rather, how it is handled when there is.
So Jesus’
first instruction is pretty simple: tell the person about it, right to their
face. If someone wrongs you, “sins against you,” he says, tell them. In other
words, don’t tell someone else about it. Don’t start the gossip chain. Don’t
unload your anxiety about a situation onto someone who doesn’t need to be
involved: go right to the source. And don’t do it passive aggressively, or
active aggressively for that matter! Be direct, but be kind, be humble – and be
willing to recognize your own role in the brokenness. Don’t assume you know the
whole story – be willing to listen to the other person, and their particular
pain, too. Usually difficult behavior comes out of some sort of brokenness that
the offender is experiencing. I heard a sort of funny word for this this week:
don’t confront them, but “care-front” them. Bring sandwiches, and speak to each
other with care and compassion. This is the stuff of relationship building. It
is confronting someone who has wronged you with the understanding that both
parties are in bondage to sin and cannot free themselves, and both need daily
forgiveness. If you are able to hear each other and recognize your mutual pain,
Jesus says, you will have regained that relationship.
Sometimes,
though, even a good sandwich and all the best hopes and intentions in the world
don’t result in a good conversation. So Jesus offers another suggestion: bring
in a neutral third party. If misunderstanding and inadequate communication is
still a problem, ask someone to help you understand each other. This is the
role of community, is it not? To care for one another, to help each be our best
selves, to hold each other accountable. Again, helping others to communicate
with one another lovingly, seeking to understand each other’s mutual
brokenness, is hard work – how much easier it would be just to take sides! –
but it is the work that the church is called to.
Yet even
this does not always work. Jesus’ next suggestion really ups the ante: bring it
to the whole church. Let everyone who has pledged to follow Jesus listen with
care to those involved, surrounding them in love and compassion, even while
striving to hold everyone accountable.
And
sometimes, even this won’t work. Jesus’ next word sounds at first very harsh:
“if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let that one be to you
as a Gentile and a tax collector.” Our first thought is: hold on, Jesus, let
that one be like the enemy? Like these despised members of society? Does he
mean we should kick them out of the community? But that doesn’t sound like
Jesus!
Ah, and you
see, that’s the key. That doesn’t
sound like Jesus. Because how does Jesus treat tax collectors? He welcomes them
and eats with them! Matthew himself, the author of this gospel, was a tax
collector! How does Jesus treat Gentiles? He heals them and loves them and
welcomes them! Remember the story we heard a couple weeks ago about the
Canaanite woman who wanted a few crumbs from the table, and wanted her daughter
to be healed? Jesus said her faith was great, and healed her daughter! When
Jesus invites us to treat someone with whom we are struggling to be in
relationship like a tax collector or a Gentile, he is inviting us to treat
these outsiders like he does: with the same love and compassion as you would
anyone else in the community. In fact, perhaps even with more, because Jesus is
always one to reach beyond boundaries – geographical, religious, and emotional
– to the one who is vulnerable and in need.
In this way,
Jesus’ advice to the church in today’s reading is not meant to be a legalistic
formula for dealing with church conflict. Really, his advice is simpler than
that: love one another. Love one another with all that you have, and try
everything you can to be in loving relationship with one another. Reach out.
Listen. Surround the person with loving community. When you’ve tried
everything, still never stop loving them with the love of Christ.
That’s a
pretty tall order. It is only possible because of this last line in our text
today: “Where two or three are gathered in my name,” Jesus says, “I am there
among you.” We’ve heard this line so many times before, but seeing it here, in
its context, makes all the difference. Jesus makes this promise right on the
tails of talking about the challenges and requirements of living in Christian
community – he makes it because he knows how difficult community can be.
Rewarding, yes, and life-giving, and healing, but also a whole lot of work, and
very trying at times. And so he promises: I am with you in that important work.
When you strive for love, strive for relationship, strive for compassion and
building up and growth – I am with you. When your humanity and brokenness rubs
each other the wrong way – I am with you. When you are challenged and
discouraged by each other – I am with you. Whenever you are together in my name
– I am with you. And I will not leave you alone.
This strikes
me as especially important at this time, as the kids head back to school, and
the Sunday School starts up again, and the program year, and all of the fall
activities that are a lot of fun, but have the potential to suck us dry and
make us feel stressed and strung out. For all the gifts of all these things
starting up again, when we are stressed and overworked we are all that much
more susceptible to snapping at each other. As we interact with more people,
meet new people, find ourselves in new communities… these words from Jesus are
even more important to remember: not only to do everything in our power to
build loving, healing relationships with one another, and to reach out
especially to those marginalized and vulnerable, but to remember that in all we
do together in Jesus’ name, we do it also with Jesus’ presence, and with the
promise of his own self-giving love, his grace, and his joy.
Let
us pray… God of community, you call us
into loving, compassionate, forgiving relationships with one another. Give us
the wisdom to build these relationships, to nurture them and help them grow,
and when we struggle, remind us that you are there with us, loving us and
forgiving us, as we continue to strive to live your loving way in the world. In
the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
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