On welcoming children in worship

The following piece appeared in the Feb 2018 issue of Forum Letter, a companion to the Lutheran Forum.

UPDATE: I recently learned that this piece won an award from the 2018 Associated Church Press "Best of Church Press" competition. It was awarded "Honorable Mention" (3rd place) in the category of "Professional Resource."

"Suffer the Little Children"

As a pastor, it is a rare opportunity and, I’m going to say, delight, to be able to worship in the pews with my two young children (at this writing, aged 8 months and almost-2). Normally, the task of getting the kids to church falls entirely to my husband, as I serve two churches on a Sunday morning and adding in the time needed for getting toddlers in and out of carseats (who needs a gym membership when you have kids in carseats?) makes for a very stressful morning.

Well, I had this opportunity not too long ago, while visiting my parents on vacation. My pastor dad, now retired, was preaching on this particular Sunday, filling in for the usual preacher, so we were excited to see “Ba-pa” in action. As an added joy, my cousin and his family were in town, which added one more almost-2-year-old, an 8-year-old, and a 10-year-old. Though my cousin is a pastor’s kid as well, his children had never been to church, but they were pleased with the opportunity.

Having gone to church with my kids before, I knew to bring some quiet entertainment for the little ones, and as I passed some coloring books over to my cousins, they received them with relief. I was actually very impressed with their 22-month-old, who was wiggly, but hardly made a sound, especially compared to my own toddler, who felt very free to speak her mind in whatever way struck her. Most people around us smiled and even chuckled, having been there themselves (and at least I know the preacher was expecting this going in!). It was exhausting spending an hour being a jungle gym, snack dispenser, teacher, and wrangler, but hey, the Word was preached and the Sacraments administered, and if I had to guess, the finicky sound system was more disruptive to the sermon than the children in the front two rows.

Unfortunately, not everyone felt that way. As my cousins sat there in a strange place, dressed in their nice clothes and eager to worship, the woman behind them kept on shushing the children. At first, they didn’t realize it was them being shushed. When they did, they didn’t know quite what to do. I believe the woman eventually moved to a new seat, which is just what she should have done if she was so perturbed, but I still found myself very frustrated.

As often happens after a moment has passed, I turned over in my head what I would have liked to have said to the “shusher” if I had been in my cousin’s shoes. It was something like this: “Hello ma’am. I am very sorry if my children are disrupting your ability to worship. They are just learning how to do this. In fact, it is their first time in church - isn’t that exciting? We’d like to help them figure out how to be in church. Would you please be patient with us while we do that in the way we know works for our children?”

Of course, as my mom is fond of saying, I would have had some other choice words “in my thought bubble,” including an observation that, for a family in church for the first time, someone shushing my children would not encourage me to come back. It is a lot of work to get children out the door in clean, nice clothes, only to be shushed once you get there!  And while, I’ll repeat, the vast majority of people we encountered were thrilled to have all these children there, including one who effusively told us what joy it brought to her worship experience, I will say that when congregations are wondering, “Where are all the young families?” they might also try to evaluate how a young family feels worshiping in their congregation.

With this as my starting point, here are a few observations I have, as a pastor who has, on occasion, worshipped at other churches with my children.

Consolidate your worship materials. At this particular church, there was an assembled worship booklet that had the unchanging parts of the liturgy, an additional handout we received on the way in with the changing parts of the service (announcements and readings), and a hymnal, from which we sang three hymns plus three more hymns during communion. This is tricky to manage as a single person, even one who knows how to do church. As a person juggling two kids, it was nearly impossible, and I found myself participating only in the parts I could do by heart. My poor cousins, unfamiliar with the liturgy, could barely keep up.  

If you see someone struggling to keep up with worship and their kids, offer to help them. Perhaps sit by them and hold the hymnal or bulletin so they can hold their kid. If you have a nursery, let them know that you do and where it is, but don’t say it in a way that implies, “Your kids are obnoxious and I want them out of here.” You could try something like, “Wow, you’ve got your hands full! If you need, there’s a nursery just down the hall - I can show you. If you’d rather keep them in worship, is there something I can do to help?”

Tell them you’re glad they’re here. This is Welcome and Evangelism: 101, of course, but it is salve to a stressed mom or dad who wants to be there but feels embarrassed for disrupting everyone’s worship experience. I’m sure most parents wouldn’t object even to a little white lie, like that their kids are very well-behaved.

Remember that kids aren’t born knowing how to worship or sit still for an hour. Also, that you were a kid once. Even if you don’t say anything, please refrain from glaring, eye-rolling, and shushing. If you are annoyed, move seats, or practice praying for patience. If you are a pastor, don’t stop everything to single out the noisy children - instead, ignore it, or think of a clever way to include the noise in what you are saying (“See, little Joey knows all about making a joyful noise! We could all learn something from Joey!”). People will laugh, the tension will dissolve, and the child’s contribution to worship will be acknowledged.

Because when it comes down to it, it is most certainly true that children contribute to worship, at whatever age and ability. They bring their voices, their joy, their wonder, their excitement. They remind us to hope and to love. They teach us to pray and to have patience. Their raw emotions remind us that although we’ve become adept at covering up, we, too, feel the pain and brokenness of the world deeply, and this in turn reminds us why we need Christ.

“Let the little children come to me,” Jesus said, and so let them also come to our churches and be welcomed - not by shuffling them away to the nursery, but by making it possible for them, and for their sometimes frazzled parents, to engage in whatever way they are able in the corporate worship of our God, who came to us Himself as a baby, undoubtedly crying during worship.