A week from tomorrow, I turn 40. Earlier this year, as I anticipated this big birthday, I started thinking about the little and big things I have learned over the years, things I return to often, things that have made my life better, or brought me comfort or a smile. Many of them dovetail with my understanding of my faith, though they are applicable regardless of faith. Several came out of my recent work with the enneagram, many from reflections during my years battling cancer, and some from the learning we have done in recent years around living with mental illness.
I wrote down some of these learnings; in fact, I wrote down 40 of them, in celebration of living 40 years. I hope some of them may bring a smile or an insight to you, however many times you’ve been around the sun!
Note: all the “yous” in this are me speaking to myself. Sometimes I speak in the first person, and sometimes in the 2nd person, so this list reflects this. Welcome to my brain.
On humility and judgment:
1) It’s okay to accept or ask for help. Receiving help is not a failure. You can be perfectly capable of doing something yourself, and still benefit from someone else’s help.
2) Sometimes the best answer is, “I don’t know.”
3) A good apology starts with naming what you did that hurt someone else and why it was wrong, and does not include the word “but.”
4) I am not responsible for fixing everything. The world has a savior, and it isn’t me. I can help, but fixing everything is not my job (as much as I sometimes think it is!).
5) People are doing the best they can. Their best might be terrible – that just means they are probably in a terrible place. Have some grace for that.
6) This principle applies also to you. Your best today might not be the best you could do yesterday, or will do tomorrow, but it is your best for right now, and that is enough. Have grace for yourself, too.
7) Forgiving something does not mean condoning it. It is simply releasing it from the too-big pile of burdens we cart around.
8) Accepting something does not mean liking it. It is simply recognizing it for what it is, and letting go of our expectation for what we think it “should” be.
9) Graciously receiving someone’s gift or compliment is sometimes the best gift we can give them. Rejecting or dismissing it communicates, “I am better than what you have to offer.” Receive others’ gifts and compliments with a smile and a thank you.
10) You could be wrong. So if you are, take that sad song, and make it better.
On daily life:
11) If you’re so tired you can’t function well, you don’t need caffeine; you need sleep. Go to bed early tonight.
12) An empty garbage can and a full tank of gas can make the world feel lighter, and everything feel a bit more possible.
13) I am never not in the mood for Paul Simon’s music. It makes me happy every time.
14) Doing the dishes before bed makes the mornings less daunting. The kitchen and the day are ready for the next thing!
15) A morning walk can help shake off the previous day and night, and sets the scene for a more focused day to come.
16) Minimizing the number of decisions you have to make in a day eases the mental load, making space for more important things. For example, having fewer clothes to choose from, or making tacos every Tuesday.
17) Dried mango is delicious and worth the effort.
18) Pineapple on pizza is also delicious and I will stand by this claim until my dying day.
19) Sleeping on freshly cleaned sheets is lovely. Truly one of life’s simple pleasures.
20) You will not be able to stop eating the Goldfish crackers. Do not bring out the whole box. Put a limited number in a bowl, Johanna, why do you always do this to yourself?!
21) Don’t “should” on yourself about what books you read. If you like trashy romance novels, read them. If you like sci-fi, read it. Self-help? Good for you. Read things that bring you pleasure, or allow you to escape your own world for a while, or make you see the world differently, or don’t make you think at all and are purely for entertainment.
On sex and relationships:
22) The biggest turn on is emotional connection. That, and helping with housework.
23) Talking about sex is awkward. BUT, sex is so much better when both parties communicate what they want. So, figure out what you want, and communicate it, and receive the same from your partner without taking it personally.
24) In dating (and job interviews), be yourself. The point is to see if this is a good fit, and you can’t know that if you’re not being your authentic self.
25) Be generous in affirmations of your partner. Not acknowledging what someone does every day just because they do it every day is breeding ground for resentment and feeling unappreciated.
26) Some communication is for passing on information. Some is for processing emotion. And some is for the purpose of emotional connection. As a listener and supporter of your partner, know the difference, and respond accordingly.
On human relationships:
27) When someone says or does something mean to you, it’s about them, not about you. Hurt people hurt people. While we can learn from others’ criticism, we need not take it personally.
28) When you act badly toward someone else, that is about you. Own it, and fix it.
29) Let people feel things. No one feels better when they are simply told to stop feeling that way. Name the feeling, don’t dismiss it. You might think it’s a stupid or unjustified feeling to have, but it is very real for them.
30) If you want to learn about human behavior, spend time with children. Their raw emotions can shed light on and clarify our complex adult emotions, and force us to see how to break down and simplify our big feelings.
31) Let people tell their story. Don’t assume you already know it.
32) Don’t assume other people’s brains work the same way as yours. What makes perfect sense to one does not register for someone else. That doesn’t make someone bad. It makes them different.
On finding peace and joy:
33) When something you used to love no longer brings you joy, it is okay to stop doing it.
34) Take deep breaths throughout the day. Set reminders on your phone if necessary because let’s be real, you’re probably going to forget to breathe deeply. (*pausing to breathe now…*)
35) Saying yes to something means saying no to something else. Before you say yes, know to what you are saying no.
36) Reading fiction allows me to escape my brain and my problems and enter into someone else’s world where I cannot fix the problems, but only observe.
37) Listening to books while doing chores makes it feel less like chores, and more like you curled up on the couch and read a good book, but also the laundry got folded.
38) Some things are worth being angry about, especially if that anger motivates you to seek positive change.
39) But some things just really aren’t worth holding onto. If you can’t change the situation, change your perspective on it, since that is something you do have control of.
40) Making music, however badly, in whatever form, is just really, really good for the soul. Make time for it!
Here’s to 40 more (and more!) years of living and learning!
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