Pentecost 15A
September 10, 2023
Matthew 18:15-20
INTRODUCTION
Here’s a fun fact about Matthew’s Gospel: his is the only Gospel that talks about the formation of the Church, and Jesus’ passing his authority to the disciples. Remember a couple weeks ago, Jesus told Peter, “On this rock I will build my church?” Matthew is the only one who includes that bit. And today we get another example of this interest in the Church, as Jesus shares an important teaching about managing conflict in the Church (everyone’s favorite topic to avoid!). Seldom do we get such straightforward instructions from Jesus, and yet, when the opportunities come to follow Jesus’ sage advice on conflict management, we often do not take them.
Our readings today are all about how we conduct ourselves in the face of conflict and wrong-doing. I’m certain there is something in here for everyone today, so listen carefully to what the Spirit is saying to you this day. Let’s listen.
[READ]
Grace to you and peace from God our Father and our Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.
One of the best things about having siblings is that you get to learn from a very early age the art of conflict management. When my kids were ages 1 and 2, it usually involved Grace swatting at her brother and saying, “No, Isaac!” when he was doing something she didn’t like. That’s 2-year-old conflict management. Once they were 3 and 4, and both had developed a sense of personal agency and justice, conflict management turned into a blaming game: “He bit me!” “Well, she pushed me!” “Well, he wouldn’t let me play with that toy!” Even when I would then enter with my motherly wisdom and suggest maybe everyone had a part to play in the conflict, and we could all stand to apologize for something… it quickly reverted back to a game of chicken and egg blaming, seeking to figure out who had offended first and worst. That is preschool conflict management.
Surely by the time we get to be adults, we are better at this, right? And definitely we in the church, in a place that gathers around the promise of love and forgiveness – we have found a way to be in a community without conflict, right?
Ah, not so. Anyone who has been around the church – or any community, really – knows that conflict is very much a part of being in any community. For all of the gifts that community and relationship have to offer us, it is very hard work, and no one is immune to conflict: not couples who are madly in love, not best friends, not extended families, and no, not even the church. We may not swat at each other and say, “No!” but we still lash out at each other, and often in more painful ways. We may not hit and bite and cry for a mommy-intervention, but we do triangulate and gossip, and we attack with our words, intending to wound, and we point fingers rather than noticing our own part in the brokenness. Or sometimes, like I know I am often guilty of, we just shove away our hurt feelings, until finally one small thing sets us off, and we can’t take it anymore and start screaming.
Conflict management may change form as we grow in years and maturity, but it is always difficult.
That is why Jesus offers us this bit of instruction on how to manage the conflicts that arise within the beloved community of the church. The first thing to notice here, is that Jesus felt the need to say this at all. Because Jesus knows, being a part of a church community does not immunize us from conflict. When we gather in community, it is not a matter of if, but when challenges arise. What makes a congregation healthy is not whether there is conflict, but rather, how it is handled when there is.
Jesus’ first instruction is pretty simple: tell the person about it, right to their face. If someone wrongs you, “sins against you,” he says, tell them. In other words, don’t tell someone else about it. Don’t start the gossip chain. Don’t unload your anxiety about a situation onto someone who doesn’t need to be involved: go right to the source. And don’t do it passive aggressively, either – or active aggressively for that matter! Be direct, but be kind, be humble – and be willing to recognize your own role in the brokenness. Interpersonal conflict is seldom one-sided. Don’t assume you already know the whole story – be willing to listen to the other person, and their particular pain, too (which may or may not have anything to do with you!). Usually difficult behavior comes out of some sort of brokenness that the offender is experiencing. I heard a cute way to say this: don’t confront them, but “care-front” them. Bring sandwiches, and speak to each other with care and compassion. This is the stuff of relationship building. It is confronting someone who has wronged you with the understanding that both parties are captive to sin and cannot free themselves, and both need daily forgiveness. If you are able to hear each other and recognize your shared humanity, your mutual pain, Jesus says, you will have regained that relationship.
Sometimes, though, even a good sandwich and all the best hopes and intentions in the world don’t result in a good conversation. So Jesus offers another suggestion: bring in a neutral third party. If misunderstanding and inadequate communication is still a problem, ask someone to help you understand each other. This is the role of community, is it not? To care for one another, to help each be our best selves, to hold each other accountable. Again, helping others to communicate with one another lovingly, seeking to understand each other’s mutual brokenness, is hard work – how much easier it would be just to take sides! – but it is the work that the Church is called to do.
Yet even this does not always work. Jesus’ next suggestion really ups the ante: if you’re still struggling, bring it to the whole church. Let everyone who has pledged to follow Jesus listen with care to those involved, surrounding them in love and compassion, even while striving to hold everyone accountable.
And sometimes, even this won’t work. Jesus’ next words sound at first very harsh: “if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let that one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” Our first thought is: hold on, Jesus, let that one be like the enemy? Like these despised members of society? Does he mean we should kick them out of the community? But that doesn’t sound like Jesus!
Ah, and you see, that’s the key. That doesn’t sound like Jesus. Because how does Jesus treat tax collectors? He welcomes them and eats with them! Matthew himself, the author of this gospel, was a tax collector! How does Jesus treat Gentiles? He heals them and loves them and welcomes them! Remember the story we heard a couple weeks ago about the Canaanite woman who wanted a few crumbs from the table, and wanted her daughter to be healed? Jesus said her faith was great, and he healed her daughter! When Jesus invites us to treat someone with whom we are struggling to be in relationship, like a tax collector or a Gentile, he is inviting us to treat these outsiders like he does: with the same love and compassion as you would anyone else in the community. In fact, perhaps even with more, because Jesus is always one to reach beyond boundaries – geographical, religious, and emotional – to the one who is vulnerable and in need. That doesn’t mean you should stay in a close relationship with someone who has hurt you. But it does mean that we are called to continue to love them with the love of Jesus, and view them as flawed but still beautiful and beloved children of God.
In this way, Jesus’ advice to the Church in today’s reading is not meant to be a legalistic formula for dealing with church conflict. Really, his advice is simpler than that: love one another. Love one another with all that you have, and try everything you can to be in loving relationship with one another. Reach out. Listen. Surround the person with loving community. When you’ve tried everything, still never stop loving them with the love of Christ.
That’s a pretty tall order. It is only possible because of this last line in our text today: “Where two or three are gathered in my name,” Jesus says, “I am there among you.” We’ve heard this line so many times before, but seeing it here, in its context, makes all the difference. Jesus makes this promise right on the tails of talking about the challenges and requirements of living in Christian community – he makes it because he knows how difficult community can be. Rewarding, yes, and life-giving, and healing… but also a whole lot of work, and very trying at times. And so he promises: I am with you in that important work. When you strive for love, strive for relationship, strive for compassion and building up and growth – I am with you. When your humanity and brokenness rub each other the wrong way – I am with you. When you are challenged and discouraged by each other – I am with you. Whenever you are together in my name – I am with you. And I will not leave you alone.
This strikes me as especially important at this time, as the kids head back to school, and the program year starts up, and all of the fall activities that are a lot of fun, but have the potential to suck us dry and make us feel stressed and strung out. For all the gifts of all these things starting up again, when we are stressed and over-worked, we are all that much more susceptible to snapping at each other. As we interact with more people, meet new people, find ourselves in new communities… these words from Jesus are even more important to remember: not only to do everything in our power to build loving, healing relationships with one another, and to reach out especially to those marginalized and vulnerable, but to remember that in all we do together in Jesus’ name, we do it also with Jesus’ presence, and with the promise of his own self-giving love, his grace, and his joy.
Let us pray… God of community, you call us into loving, compassionate relationships with one another. Give us the wisdom to build these relationships, to nurture them and help them grow. And when we struggle, remind us that you are there with us, loving us and forgiving us, as we continue to strive to live your loving way in the world. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment