At 7 and 8 years old, my kids are working on developing their logic brains, discerning what is fantasy and what is real. It is both sad (who doesn't love the magical world of childhood?) and exciting to see them making really smart observations about their world.
At this time of year, you can imagine a lot of this energy has gone toward figuring out Santa. Now, my husband was insistent from the beginning of our parenting adventure that he did NOT want to tell our kids that Santa was real. His family had taken Santa very seriously, and he loved it as a kid... until he realized it was all a lie, and he felt betrayed. "I won't do that to my kids," he said. I had no problem doing Santa with the kids - I have fond memories and no trauma around figuring out it was just a story - but he felt so strongly about it, that his view was where we landed.
So we have definitely leaned into the story of Santa, learning about his origins, telling the story of the real St. Nicolas (and celebrating St. Nicolas Day on Dec. 6), visiting Santa and getting pictures, putting out cookies and milk and a carrot, reading books, filling stockings, and even signing some cards "from Santa." We "play" Santa, the way we play princesses or monsters or weddings with stuffies, and in that way Santa is incredibly real to them, just like their toys are. At the same time, our kids have known that the presents come from us, at least the big ones. We want them to know that we work hard in order to provide this for them, and that if their friends don't get as much, it is not because they were naughty, but because these kids either got non-material gifts, or they couldn't afford more than that. When they were little, if the kids asked if Santa was real, I would answer with things like, "Well, the stockings were filled, weren't they?" thus avoiding actually answering their questions in ways that would be a lie. Honesty is a core family value, and we have stood by it, while trying to maintain the playful aspect of Santa.
(Though this choice is not actually theologically motivated for me, I also have some concerns about the theology around Santa: that you get rewarded for good deeds, and punished for being bad. The theology of Christmas is exactly the opposite: that God so loved the world, despite its brokenness, that he sent his only son, came to dwell with us, to redeem us. Jesus didn't come because we were good, but because we needed help. I cringe when well-meaning adults say things to my kids like, "Don't do that or Santa won't bring you any presents!")
All this said, of course I don't want my kids ruining Santa for kids who do believe Santa is real. So I have told especially my outspoken daughter not to say anything to her friends. "If they believe in Santa, just let them. Don't ruin it for them." She asked why? Even at 8, she has a sense that honesty is kind, so why would it be a bad thing to tell her friends the truth? Hard to argue with that! But I have reiterated, "Just don't be that kid. Some kids find a lot of joy in believing in Santa, so let them, and play along. Trust me on this."
But anyone who parents knows we cannot control our kids every word or action, and anyone who knows Grace knows that she is always hard at work trying to make sense of her world. So she has been trying to figure out which of her friends believes and which don't, willingly sharing her own opinions. In my view, this is appropriate conversation, developmentally, for kids this age. This is their Big Issue, right? Like adults might talk about politics or global climate change in their effort to make sense of the world, this is what 2nd graders talk about. Sorting it out with their peers is, in my opinion, awesome, especially the way Grace has been doing it, which is to ask, "Do you believe in Santa?" and then offering, "I don't, and here's why." She's not telling anyone else what to think, just sharing what she thinks with her good friends. Good on her. If this shakes her friends' belief, they probably already had some questions. Firm belief would not be troubled by someone else's lack of belief. As someone who works in the field of faith and belief, I know this to be true.
Unfortunately, some of her friends' parents have been less than impressed by Grace's critical thinking, and in particular her expression of it. One posted a "friendly reminder" on Facebook, requesting that parents teach their kids to "be kind" and not ruin Santa for kids who still believe. Though Grace wasn't named, I learned later that this happened shortly after Grace had told this mom's daughter that she didn't believe in Santa. Another mom texted us directly, saying Grace had just told her daughter that she didn't believe Santa was real and she has proof. This parent was incredibly frustrated by this exchange, though it wasn't clear to me whether she wanted us to do something about it, or was just reporting. (More on that in a separate post.)
I told both of these parents that I have asked Grace not to ruin Santa magic for her friends, though neither seemed satisfied with this. I like Christmas magic as much as the next gal, but other people's kids' belief isn't really my responsibility. If these exchanges troubled their kids, then that's a great chance to have a conversation with them about it. For our part, we have taught our kids to be kind, and instilled a value of honesty. (When Grace recently asked me, "I need you to be honest with me: where do the gifts come from?" I told told her the truth, because if honesty is what I expect of her, I'd better model it.) We have applauded their ability to think critically about things, and celebrated their attempts to gather data. One piece of evidence they found was, "If Santa is supposed to visit all the little boys and girls, then why doesn't my Muslim friend get a visit from Santa?" The story didn't work in this instance, and therefore called other aspects of the story into question. Telling them, "Well your friend doesn't celebrate Christmas, that's why," sounds a bit too much like religious discrimination - Muslims are not included in Santa's generosity. Magic does not apply when you have a different faith.
Point is, I am proud of my little thinkers. I know it is hard to see the magic of childhood start to dissipate, but it is a sign that they are growing and developing right on track. This development is probably much harder on parents than it is on the kids themselves (with exceptions for people like my husband who felt betrayed when the truth came out). I think of giving away the last of the baby clothes, the board books they no longer read, the sippy cups... it is all a sort of grief. But it is also a joy: just look at the amazing little people our kids are becoming!
By the way, in the midst of these conversations with parents, we were accused of "eliminating all magic from our house," an accusation I still find myself resenting. In my next post, I will reflect a bit on the magic of childhood that has nothing to do with Santa.
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