Can't focus

Ok, I admit it: it is hard to focus on, well, pretty much anything. Someone said to me on Sunday, "I can't believe you are still able to work. You have so much on your mind!" I shrugged it off, like, "Meh, I feel fine, no biggie." To some extent, I have been able to compartmentalize this and put it aside when I need to... but as time goes on and the inevitable draws closer, this is getting harder and harder. Perhaps the difference is that on Sunday, I still had a next step in place: I would see the plastic surgeon on Monday. That went well, and now... what? I don't have a next step. Or, the next step is to actually to have this surgery. That's way scarier and far more permanent than the plastic surgeon's office.

As a result, I have been completely unfocused for three days. I totally flaked on a meeting this week, something I rarely do. Just completely forgot. I have no motivation. I feel utterly unsettled. I don't even have a surgery date for goodness' sake! Would a date have a calming effect, or be more anxiety-provoking? If I had a date on the calendar, it becomes more real... anxiety. On the other hand, if I had a date, I could at least plan the other things in my life... calming.

My trip to the plastic surgeon was great in many ways. It opened up a lot more options for me. This also makes things more complicated, though. Suddenly, where I had pretty much made my decision - left mastectomy with latissimus reconstruction - now I don't know what to do. Should I do both breasts? Are implants right for me? Has the plastic surgeon had a chance to look at my radiation records? If so, does he stand by what he said before? If I get implants, how will this affect my life? Where is the resolve I used to have that I could do without reconstruction - why is this suddenly so much more important than it was? (Answer: because now it is real. Still, it makes me feel a little shallow. For someone as self-assured as I usually am, I just don't know that I can be a no-breasted woman. I want to be the kind of woman who is fine with that. And I guess I probably am. I just don't feel like it right now.) And nothing else can happen until  I make this decision, and of course I'm the only one who can make it. Darn that! I hate decisions like that!

As I mentioned previously, my parents made some very compelling arguments for getting bilateral mastectomies right now and being done with it. Of course they have their daughter's health and longevity in mind - but don't we all? Arguments included things like: Michael and I would be able to start our marriage with this burden lifted from us forever, I wouldn't have to worry about the difficulty of close surveillance while pregnant/breast-feeding, I wouldn't have to worry about this popping up again while I'm either pregnant or have an infant who wants to be held (and I can't because I'm not supposed to lift things), I wouldn't have to worry about having to take another lengthy medical leave and enduring another surgery, I could give my full and healthy life to Michael in marriage, and celebrate at our wedding not only our marriage but also the joy of life... and oh yeah, the big one: I wouldn't have to worry about getting breast cancer again. As Dr. Skinner said, so far my cancers have presented themselves early, but I might not continue to be so lucky next time around. As Michael pointed out, we haven't had luck with rolling the dice so far.

So what's stopping me from doing the bilateral and being done with this forever? Breast-feeding. That's the biggie. How long have I dreamed of that moment when I first feed my child from my own breast! I get choked up to imagine it. Some of my dear, thoughtful friends have written to me with their own stories of dashed dreams of breast-feeding, assuring me their children turned out healthy and beautiful anyway. The possibility of breast-feeding can be taken away for any number of reasons, of course, and the fact that I'm dealing with radiated breasts to begin with probably wouldn't help my chances any. But to give up both breasts right now... is to give up the the chance even to find out.

So what do I do? What do I do?? And once I decide on unilateral or bilateral, what kind of reconstruction? Well, at this point, the answer is: ask people about their experience (which is the one thing I can actually focus on), and make more appointments. I have scheduled appointments with both Dr. Skinner and Dr. Langstein for one week from today. I'll come up with more questions to ask, and then I guess we'll set a date. As much as I long for the certainty and settled-ness that comes with having a date down, the thought of this makes me anxious. Though perhaps no more anxious than knowing there is cancer growing inside me. Again. (This story is getting so old.)