One thing I forgot to mention in my recounting of mastectomy day:
Last time I had a mastectomy, I made a playlist of songs that would help me get through my mastectomy - with themes of everything from "you're beautiful" ("Just the Way You Are" by Bruno Mars) to songs highlighting other assets ("Baby Got Back") to break-up songs ("Too Late, Baby") to songs of empowerment ("I Will Survive"). Then for my boob farewell party, I condensed the long list into a CD-sized playlist, and gave them out as party favors, inviting people to decorate the CDs like boobs. I had a few left over, so I decorated one for Dr. Skinner and presented it to her at my post-op. She joked that she would play it in the OR. Well my big news is, it wasn't a joke! Dr. Skinner and also one of the residents said they played my mastectomy playlist not just during my surgery, but all day in the OR! And the resident said it was better than their usual Pandora station they listen to. I feel like I've really made it. :)
But on to the present. I'm doing pretty well, in some ways recovering much more quickly than I did last time, which is great news! I feel more energetic and don't find myself as exhausted after small tasks like walking down the stairs. My mobility is also better, which I attribute to not having had lymph nodes taken. Almost right away I could raise my arm to probably a 60 degree angle, where it took at least a week to do that last time. So that makes getting around and functioning quite a bit easier (though if people are around, I still ask them to do things like get my glass or turn on the TV, to limit how much I have to get up and down).
On the other hand, I think my pain is in some ways worse this time. I had more pain meds in the hospital. And by this time last mastectomy I was off the major pain killers and just taking Advil, mostly because the heavy meds were upsetting my stomach a lot. But this time I am still on Vicodin, and still feeling a fair amount of pain, especially at the end of the day and first thing in the morning. It's bearable - mostly it only hurts when I move, and when I'm lying down still it's only about 0-2 on a scale of 10. But I certainly notice it. The good news is that I was given a muscle relaxant this time, which I think has helped immensely with my ability to sleep. I have been sleeping quite soundly, and with only a couple exceptions, I've not had to wake Michael in the night to help me get comfortable again.
My parents spent the first week with me, caring for me especially when Michael had to be at work or taking care of other personal things, and that has been great. My dad flew home yesterday so he could teach a class today; my mom is staying another week yet, which I'm happy about. It is good to have the company, but also good to have another set of hands around to help me with things, to pick up the house, to put meals together, to do laundry, stuff like that. I'm so grateful to have such wonderful parents as these, so willing to show their love in words and actions. Both of Michael's parents have also been checking in with us to see how I/we are doing. We are truly blessed!
Perhaps you are wondering: but what about your heart, Johanna?
I'll tell you, I am so much more at peace about this now, after the fact, than I was going into it. Not once since surgery have I cried over the loss of my breast (except for a few pain-induced tears). Honestly, I haven't really thought much about it - I'm too focused on healing my body to think much about the state of my heart these days. But I don't think the peace in my heart is merely due to the distraction of my body's need to heal. I really feel okay about it. I have allowed myself a few peeks down my shirt to get used to the new view, and soon I will see the full frontal view when I take a shower for the first time. So far so good. Here's hoping...
I remember feeling a similar peace after Michael and I got married. Even when you know it is the right person, there is always some fear about that huge decision: "Am I really going to want to be married to this person for my whole life? Is this person going to want to be married to me for their whole life?" But once the decision is made, the vows have been said, the rings are in place, that's it. There is no more wondering, there is only making it work. We made that commitment and now we will do everything we can to make it work. And I will make this new boob, this new reality work. There is some peace in determination, I guess, and certainly there is in definitiveness.
Speaking of Michael, several people have asked me how he is doing, and the answer is: he's wonderful. This has been exhausting for him, as it also has been for my parents, I'm sure, and is compounded by other things going on in his life. But even with everything his heart is carrying, he is the most present, loving, affectionate, understanding, compassionate, caring, and generous husband I could hope for. Any time I apologize for waking him up or making him do something for me, he says, "It's okay, love, that's why I'm here." What a good man he is.
Thank you to all of you who have sent cards, flowers, or food, and will continue to do so in the coming days. These gestures mean so much to us! And thank you, as always, for the prayers. We have felt these so poignantly through this experience, and are grateful to all of you for your love!
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