Reframe

I feel like a new person today. Finally last night Michael and I got a chance to just be together, alone, and talk about how we are feeling about all this. Just being able to say things aloud to each other, put them on the table so we can deal with them and move forward, feels like a weight has been lifted. We've not come to any conclusions, but I at least feel more equipped to reason through the different options without dissolving into uncontrollable tears. Big steps in the right direction.

Here's the other thing I've found. I feel equipped today to be able to re-frame things so that they sounds like I am (we are) in charge. Yesterday, cancer and Tamoxifen were dictating our life, a life we were extremely excited about that had just been shattered. Today, I'm dictating it, within some bounds that were previously not there. (But you know me, I like structure!) As my radiation oncologist said, I am the captain of the ship. So for example, if we decide that I will take Tamoxifen for two years, then go off it to have some babies, then go back on, that's no longer, "We can't start a family right away." It becomes, "We already are a family, Michael and I. A two-person family. For the first couple years of our marriage, let's just get used to what it is like to be married. Let's get really good at being married, let's strengthen our partnership, let's equip ourselves to have the best partnership we can so that we can then be the best parents we can be. During that time, I'll take this drug that will help save my life. Then, we'll add to our two-person family and become a three- or four-person family, and won't that be a joy!" In fact, maybe this is God's underhanded little way of showing us down a path that will ultimately make our lives as spouses and as parents even richer. God only knows!

Yet another blessing. (Isn't this wonderful? Yesterday I saw not one sliver of silver, and today, two!) Some couples get married without having any clue how they will manage those Really Big, Tough Things that come up in life. You know, things like major illnesses and bumps in the road to family planning. Not so with Michael and Johanna! We have done it (er, are doing it)! We have had to say to each other countless times, "We will get through this. We will do this together. I'll hold you when you need me, you hold me when I need you, and we'll hold each other or turn to our many family and friends when we don't have the strength ourselves. And God will hold us all the way through. However we do this, we will do this!" We will enter our marriage with a wisdom deeper than many newlyweds have. Though I don't like the path that produced that, I suppose even for that, I'm grateful.