I was a jellyfish in the shower

I'm taking an acting class this summer called Voice and Movement. Why, you ask? Well, I figured it might help me be more creative in my preaching, but also just because I've always wanted to know more about acting, so now is my chance. (And I already got a sermon illustration out it.)

One of the first things we did was talk about how we as people naturally use space. The instructor set up three dichotomies: we are bound or unbound, fast or slow, heavy or light, and direct or indirect. These describe the way you hold you body and move through life. I determined I am bound (I have started noticing how often I have some body part clasped or folded), fast (I'm always in a hurry), heavy (clunk, clunk, clunk...), and direct (or what I have started to think of as more like focused, on a mission). What would you say you are?

Using those four, we have done various exercises acting both as our true selves, and as our opposites. At our class yesterday, we started doing animal work. We determined what animal shares the spacial traits of our true self.

I came up with bloodhound. I crawled around the studio, barking at the cats and birds, collapsing on the ground in exhaustion, only to be interested once again in a scent, and so on. It was a fun part to play, and made me feel closer to my own mini hound, though it wasn't too easy on the knees.

Then we had to be our opposite animal. So, unbound, slow, light, and indirect.

I came up with: jellyfish.

Now, I don't know much about jellyfish, but it seemed a fun enough animal to be. This time, as we moved about the room, I mostly stayed in one place, floating gently back and forth, occasionally sweeping to the side as I imagined being caught up in a current. If I bumped up against someone, I stung them. It was relaxing... until it turned terribly boring. I needed something proactive to do. Funny what we learn about ourselves in these exercises.

At a previous class, we had been asked to pantomime some activity that we do every day, and I had chosen taking a shower. Turn on faucet, step in, shampoo hair, rinse, etc. Now, our instructor asked us to do that same pantomime... as our opposite animal.

At first I was stumped. The bathroom wasn't my natural habitat - how would I move with no water? I considered taking a bath instead, but she was very clear that we should do all the same things, keeping in mind the new limitations of our animal. So I made the decision that in this alternate reality, I was able to move about without water, but would still be susceptible to the flow of water... and I suddenly realized what a brilliant scenario I was in. What luck that I had chosen an activity that used water!

When my turn came, I floated into the "bathroom," flexed my jelly self out of my clothes, floated into the shower, used my jelly body to turn the shower faucet, floated over to get into the spray... and then let it pin me solidly to the ground. Having thrown myself on the floor, I stayed there, arms and legs sticking up at awkward angles, twitching as I tried to get out of the jet.

My teacher thought this was hilarious and laughed heartily. I was proud of myself for entering so well into this bizarre role, for really becoming a jelly fish.

As I left, I considered how this is related to ministry. Certainly whenever someone is called on to display some level of empathy or compassion, one has to take on what that person or people is enduring. It is an exercise in understanding. The Apostle Paul talks about becoming like those whom he is aiming to share the gospel, because if he is like them, they might be more readily convinced. (Not that I'm trying to win jellyfish for Christ or anything...)

But I think more than anything, exercises like this allow me to get out of myself, out of my usual routines, so that I take notice of things previously unnoticed. How does it feel to be light, unbound, indirect, and slow? Relaxing at first, then boring. Why? Why can't I be satisfied with relaxing now and then, without thinking about the next task? Why do I so frequently fold my body parts when I'm talking to someone, and what message does it send? How might I be more like a jellyfish in daily life, and how might that help me be a happier and healthier person and pastor?

We shall see. Meanwhile, enjoy this video of a exotic jellyfish, doing their thing:

Sermon: "...with sighs too deep for words." (July 27, 2014)

Pentecost 7A/Lectionary 17

Romans 8:26-39

           

            In her book, Souls Raised from the Dead, Christian author Doris Betts tells a story about driving

down the highway in North Carolina. As she drove, she saw a bunch of highway patrol men on the side of the road. She could see that a chicken truck had run off the road and broken apart, and chickens were everywhere. The driver was running around trying to capture what chickens he could, some people were trying to steal the chickens, and there was chicken blood everywhere. You can imagine it was a scene as horrific as it was hilarious, as the patrolman was trying to bring some order to the chaos. Betts observes: That’s us. We are that patrolman. In the middle of life’s chaos and horror and humor, we try to bring order, meaning, and stability.

            Often, we try to do this through prayer. In my personal prayer life, I have felt a bit like that

From ELCA Bishop Mike Rinehart's blog
(Read it here.)

patrolman these past couple weeks. Every time I check the news, there is some new tragedy to be praying about: the violence in the Holy Land, where 80% of the fatalities on the Gaza strip have been civilians; the 57,000 unaccompanied children (so far!) who have crossed our borders seeking refuge from violence and poverty in their home countries, for whom their best option was to leave their families and everything they know for a strange land hundreds of miles away; a plane allegedly brought down by terrorists and nearly 300 innocent people killed; continuing violence in the Ukraine. And that’s just on the world scene! Let’s not forget the brokenness and hurt that we all see on a daily basis among those who are close to us, from illness and injury, to loss and sadness, to whatever other daily struggles we may face.

            As I have tried to pray for all of these things, I have felt like that patrolman, wanting so badly to help, to bring some sense of calm and order to a world that seems to have spun out of control. But even as I try to pray, whether while I’m driving, or in the quiet of the morning or before bed, I find I am at a loss. No words are enough. And even if words were enough, I don’t know what words to pray! Some of these situations are so complicated and have so many different sides, so even if I could be sure that whatever I pray will come to pass, I’m not sure what outcome is the best!

            In times like this, when the words of prayer escape me, I am grateful for Paul’s words this morning in Romans. “The Spirit helps us in our weakness,” he says. “For we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words.” I just love this image. I love that although God delights in my prayers, God also doesn’t let me just flounder around helplessly with no direction. I picture putting myself out there, vulnerable and in need, and the Spirit swooping in under me, holding, even cradling me securely, and saying, “Don’t worry, I’ve got this for you.”

            But I also love that even the Spirit doesn’t use real words, but rather “sighs too deep for words.” When you think about it, what better prayer is there than that? What better prayer of lament than someone’s gut-wrenching sob, or a prayer of thanksgiving as uncontrolled laughter, or a prayer of praise as a soprano voice wafting over an orchestra? Mere utterances, with no verbal language behind them, are perhaps the most creaturely prayer of all – even as they are also the most divine.

            I am taking an acting class this summer, called Voice and Movement. We had been working on

movement, but this past week we added the voice. Our instructor gave us actions – such as float, dab, thrust, push, slash – and we were to walk around the room making our bodies do that action. And then lastly we would make our voices do that action as well. [Demonstrate some.] Never did the vocal “movements” use words – we expressed the emotion or character merely with our voice and body. At the end of class we took turns performing these actions for each other in body and voice, and it was always clear which one it was. The sighs and utterances were plenty to get the point across.

Prayer is that way, too. When words escape us, our sighs are enough. That is how the Spirit prays on our behalf, and that is how we can pray in the Spirit. We are released from the demand we may put on ourselves to pray beautifully worded prayers, as if God will somehow hear and understand those better, and respond more readily. Our breath, our deep sighs, are plenty to get the point across.

Something else happens when we so intentionally consider our breath to be our prayer. I heard once that for every drop of water you consume, there’s like a 99% chance that that drop had been through a dinosaur at some point. If that’s true with water, how about air? The air we breathe, the air that makes us produce those sighing prayers, is truly a shared commodity, and in that way it is unifying. It is common to all of us. And just as we say that the Holy Spirit, the Holy Breath, gathers us together and makes us one body, one Church, our deep breaths do this, too. In this way, every breath, every prayer, that we pray for ourselves, is for someone else, and every breath we pray for someone else, we pray for ourselves.

Last Sunday morning, our sister Betty had a fall and was taken to the hospital. Her daughter was on her way to church, unaware of the fall. As she drove to Bethlehem, an ambulance came up behind her, and she pulled over to let it pass. As she always does, she said a prayer for the person in the ambulance, and for that person’s family. Then she continued on to church. Later, she discovered that this had been her mom’s ambulance! She said to me, “I had no idea that I was praying for my mom and for myself!”

Praying in the Spirit, breathing the breath of God, does this: when we pray for one in pain, we pray for all. For we all share the pains and sorrows of this world, though they may take different forms for each of us. With the Holy Spirit, we pray as one body, one breath, sighing deeply for all the earth.

And of course, when we pray in the Spirit, with deep, Spirit sighs, not only are we connected to one another, we are connected to Christ, who is our head and our life. At Jesus’ baptism, the Holy Spirit came down on him like a dove, and that same Spirit came on each of us in our baptism, and hence all of us are a part of each other: one Body, one Breath. And because of that, as Paul so powerfully states at the end of today’s reading, “neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

That love promised to us through all things… is in every breath – every breath inhaled for life, every breath uttered as prayer, every breath that contains the smell of this beautiful earth, every breath that produces laughter or weeping or song or stillness. Every breath is the breath of the Spirit, interceding on our behalf, sighing prayers for us and for this world that are too deep for words.

As we close in prayer, I invite you simply to breathe deeply. I don’t think we do enough of that.

.

I often find that my breathing is shallow, especially when I am anxious or distressed. So we are going to take some time this morning simply to breathe deeply, all the way to our toes, trusting that with each deep breath, each sigh, we are praying with and being filled by the Holy Spirit. While we breathe, think about something or someone in need of prayer, or pray this simple prayer – “Breath of God, breathe in me” – as you inhale and exhale. Our breath, and the Breath of the Spirit, shall be our closing prayer. Let us pray.

Several seconds of silent breathing… In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Sighing for a world in turmoil

"Likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words." 
(Romans 8:26)

While I was home a couple weeks ago, I met up with one of my oldest friends (since kindergarten!) who is an Ayurveda practitioner. Ayurveda is an ancient health practice that seeks to find balance in the body by considering how diet, activity, spirituality, etc. are working together. I asked to meet with her because, well, I'm trying to regain my health after the last two years, and because I want to have a baby and be the healthiest 40-week host to that baby as I can, not to mention a healthy mama once he or she comes out. My body has undergone a fair amount of trauma, and had all manner of things put into it to rid it of cancer, so finding a sense of balance again can't do me any harm, and will likely do some good.

So I made an appointment with her, during which she did a health assessment on me. One of the questions she asked was what practices do I currently do that are healthy, and what do I do that is not healthy for me. As I thought about it, I noticed I was breathing very shallowly. And I realized I almost always breathe shallowly when I am distressed about something, or thinking hard. I think we all do. I mentioned this to her. So it was no surprise that one of the things she recommended I try is to spend two minutes a day doing what she called “deep belly breathing”: breathing so deeply my belly expands. 

I immediately linked this to prayer. I thought about it in terms of the prayer my friend and colleague and Upstate NY Synod's Bishop-elect often mentions: "Breath of God, breathe in me." It is something I have tried to incorporate into my usual prayer routine, especially since she mentioned it. Deep breathing is, after all, not only healthy in a number of ways, but is also a spiritual practice in just about every religion.

This week it has taken on an even deeper meaning. The epistle the lectionary has appointed for this Sunday is from the well-loved 8th chapter of Romans, about how the Spirit intercedes for us in our prayers "with sighs too deep for words." How powerful this has been for me this week, as I have been overwhelmed with just how much there is to pray for, so many world conflicts, and many of them so complex. Even if I had enough words, I don't even know the outcome to pray for in some situations. What a comfort to think that even the Holy Spirit, when She intercedes for us, doesn't try to use words, but rather simply becomes those deep sighs, that Holy Breath, that transcends words. 

So this shall be my prayer: simply to breathe. To hold in my heart all those in need of prayer, and to breathe for them - because Scripture tells me that these sighs, far deeper than words will ever reach, are a form of prayer so pure that it is how God Herself chooses to pray.

*deep sigh*

Amen.

Sermon: On discerning wheat from weeds (July 20, 2014)

Pentecost 6A/Lectionary 16

July 20, 2014

Matthew 13:24-30, 36-43

            Last week I told you about my garden, about how I knew nothing about gardening, so I invited a friend to help me plant, and about how we prepared the soil before we were able to plant anything. Remember? Well today I’ll tell you another part of that story – and that is what a terrible state the garden was in before, due to my total lack of knowledge on the topic. My greatest weakness, garden-wise, is simply not knowing anything about plants. So, we moved into the house last July, and when springtime came around, all kinds of things started growing that I didn’t even know were there. Did someone plant those? Are they supposed to be there? Will that turn into a beautiful flower, or will it

My garden, before it was weeded, but after my husband
mowed down some weeds.

turn into something that will take over my garden and won’t be tamed? Because of my ignorance, I just didn’t touch anything, and so soon enough it was a lush, green, overgrown mess.

            Until I began studying this parable this week, I had counted my gardening ignorance as a fault, but now I’m starting to see my inability to discern weeds from flowers more as a boon (at least theologically, if not as a homeowner!). Let me explain by first asking you a question. When you first hear or read this parable about the wheat and the weeds, without thinking too much about it, what would you say it is about? [judgment, heaven/hell…] It is considered one of the judgment parables, isn’t it, and with good reason, I suppose. It seems pretty clear that Jesus is saying some people are good seeds (wheat), some are bad seeds

(weeds), and at the end of time, at what the parable calls the harvest, the good seeds will go to heaven and the bad seeds will burn in eternity. (It’s one of those happy, feel-good parables, you know.)

            But there is a danger in interpreting this parable this way. If some people are wheat and some are weeds, then the next logical step we humans want to take is to decide who is what. That’s what the workers wanted to do in the parable, after all. “Do you want us to go and gather [the weeds]?” they ask. Do you want us to go decide what is good and what is bad, and what belongs and what doesn’t, and take care to only leave what is good in the land? It’s a natural tendency, one that taps into a question that has consumed Christians for generations: who is going to heaven, and who is not? Are you? Am I? Should I feel sorry for you if you’re not? Should I be depressed if I am not? Should I act any differently to ensure I will go to heaven?

            But you see, while this is the step we humans want to take, I think the parable is saying the opposite – because you see the sower’s response about gathering the weeds? “No, don’t go and try to determine that for yourself, because it will do more harm than good. Just leave it be, and in the end, God will take care of sorting everything out. Meanwhile, you just live your life and do your job the best you can under the circumstances.”

            To me, this is great news. Because whatever assumptions I may want to make about certain kinds of people, or whatever feelings I may have about how someone has treated me, it is not my job to

judge. Furthermore, try though I might to make accurate judgments of people, in the end I cannot tell the difference between weed and wheat, any more than I can tell the difference between weeds and flowers in my own garden. None of us are equipped to judge other people, because none of us know the whole story.

Maybe you have seen the hit TV show, Breaking Bad. It is about a high school chemistry teacher named Walt who is, on the surface, a well-loved, upstanding, pretty decent guy. But in his secret life, circumstances drive him to become a murderer and a drug kingpin. No one, not even his own wife, has any idea that this quiet family man, this “wheat,” is capable of such heinous acts. On the other hand, his partner, Jesse, seems in every way to be a “weed”: a punk and a druggie who is up to no good and will never amount to anything. But while he does struggle and make poor choices, we also learn that he cared for his aunt as she died of cancer; that he has limitless compassion for those close to him, especially children; that he has integrity and is loyal and caring even to people who have hurt him. At the start of season one of Breaking Bad, it is easy to feel sympathy for Walt, who has just been

Jesse and Walt

diagnosed with cancer, and to hate Jesse. Wheat and weed, clearly. As their stories unfold, however, Jesse quickly becomes admirable and easy to love, while Walt becomes one of the most loathsome characters on television.

            Of course, Breaking Bad is dramatized, but is the basic character development really so far off? Everyone has a story, a struggle, that we don’t know anything about. Everybody has a reason for why they act or talk or look the way they do. Who are we to be the judge?

            We all have people in our lives whom we would like to label as weeds, don’t we. We may label as “weeds” those people who live a lifestyle we don’t approve of, or, those people who won’t let personal lives be personal. They are those people who are holding back women’s ability to care for their own reproductive health, or, those people who are allowing abortions to occur. They are those people who think they can just sneak into America and take our valuable jobs, or, they are those people who would refuse help to vulnerable children in need of refuge from drugs, poverty and violence. They are those people who are a drain on our national budget by taking advantage of welfare programs, or, they are those people who hoard all the world’s wealth for themselves.

            This world – it is a garden full of weeds. No matter what you do or what you believe, you are a weed to someone. But thanks be to God, we are also a garden full of wheat. Each one of us, and every beloved child of God: we are all weeds to someone, but we are also, each one of us, claimed and loved by God. Christ died for every last one of us weeds, so that, like grains of wheat scattered on the hill that have come together to become one bread, we might all come together to serve God and feed the world. In the end, that is all we really can to do: love God with mind, heart, body, and soul, and our neighbors as ourselves. And the judgment piece? We will have to leave it up to God to sort that out.

            As a closing prayer today, I’d like to invite each of you to take a moment to think about who you might consider a weed. It could be a person or group of people I already mentioned, or someone else in your life whom you find it difficult not to judge because of their beliefs, their behavior, or the way they treat other people. All these weeds in our lives – we will pray for them, and we will pray for ourselves. I will leave some silence, during which you can offer your own silent prayer.

            Let us pray… Gracious and merciful God, we try to live the best lives we can, but sometimes it is hard for us not to judge others because they look, act, or believe differently from us. We sometimes think of these people as weeds that get in the way of the good work we try to do. We pray for these people today, Lord, and for their well-being…. We also pray for ourselves, that we might see all your beloved children not as weeds, but as wheat, and as your beloved children. Help us to have compassion for those who are different from us, remembering that they, too, have a story we know nothing about. Grant us the courage to hear their stories, and to love them as you have loved us…. This we pray in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Something new: benign!

The endocrinologist who did my biopsy called yesterday.

"I have some good news for you. It is benign. Everything is normal."

What a nice change of pace to hear these words instead of what I've grown accustomed to: either, "It is cancer," or, "It's benign, but still suspicious, so we'd like to do more tests."

Just plain benign. Music to my ears.

I do have to go back in a year to have another ultrasound and make sure the nodules are stable and not growing. I recently talked to a friend who has had several biopsies like this, and her doctor had told her not to bother coming in while she was pregnant or breastfeeding because hormones go so crazy and she might get a false positive. So I asked my doctor, if I'm pregnant at this time next year, if I should bother coming in. She said, "No, in that case, I would recommend waiting until the baby is born before coming in." She thought for a moment, then said, "So, the next time I see you, I hope it will be with baby pictures to show."

Did I mention how much I like her?

So that's that! At least for now. I feel good. I feel like I finally did catch that break. I feel light, happy, relaxed. Not to sound campy, but I feel like God is smiling compassionately on me (perhaps in the form of a beautiful, sunny morning this morning!), saying, "I know, child, you've had a rough go of it. I know you weren't too pleased with me, but I was with you then, and I am with you now. I love you." I know, God. I know.

Okay, so: let's get on with things, shall we?!

Thyroid Watch

Today, after waiting a month, I finally had a biopsy of my thyroid nodule. Here's why.

I have to say, I didn't much like it.

But first, the things I did like: Michael took the day off to be with me, which, though I'd like to fancy myself an independent woman who is able to handle such things on her own by now, turned out to be a really, really good thing. He was even able to be in the exam room with me, instead of waiting in the waiting room like usual. The doctor was very nice. She was a young woman, who, as it turns out, is the daughter of an imam. So one of my doctors is the daughter of a Methodist pastor, and one is the daughter of a Muslim "pastor." What are the odds? He teaches world religions at Nazareth College here in town and has a particular interest in interfaith stuff. Cool! Dr. Shafiq was very kind and compassionate, and explained things to us as we went along. I told her later how much I appreciated this, because it takes the scary mystery out of it. When she was about to start the ultrasound, she asked if I would like Michael to stand by the side of the table, so that he could hold my hand. With that question, she won both of our hearts. Michael took his place at the side of the table, and did his job well.

But first, she started with a bit of history and the usual questions. She had been unable to load the pictures that were taken a month ago, so she had to do the ultrasound again, though she also said she probably would have anyway. Usually, she only biopsies nodules when they have particular risk factors. These include: one centimeter or more in two dimensions, abnormal shape, abnormal constitution, or medical history risk factors, either in the form of a family history of thyroid problems, or radiation (usually the radiated patients she sees are Hodgkin's survivors like myself). It seemed as if I only carried one of those risks (radiation), but when she looked at the nodules on the ultrasound from a different angle, she found one of the nodules is a bit bigger than they thought (still small, though, just one centimeter).

So she said I could have the biopsy to see conclusively what's up. Or I could wait six months and see if there was any change. I chose to have the biopsy.

A few other stats: 95% of the time, nodules like this are benign. Having a history of radiation is a risk factor, but doesn't increase my risk by any sort of significant margin. I had read that pregnancy makes nodules grow, but she said no, that wouldn't happen in my case. Though 5% is a nice, low possibility, I feel like I've had enough things go the less likely way that it no longer means anything to me. Not to mention I had a close friend who was given the same odds, and it ended up cancer. It always feels a little more possible when you know someone in the minority.

So, the biopsy. Doctor numbed the skin, but the needle once it was in, was still incredibly painful, despite that she said it would be easier than a breast biopsy. Michael held my hand, and I'm sure he could attest to the fact that my squeezing got harder and harder. I couldn't swallow, move my head, or breathe deeply while the needle was in, which made the pain worse since normally I'm able to breathe through pain and tolerate it pretty well. The skin didn't hurt, but she had to dig around a bit with the needle to get the cells... so imagine someone just poking you repeatedly in the throat and you'll get the idea. She tried three separate times to get enough tissue, but after all that, they didn't have enough cells. So she tried two more times.

Each time was worse than the last. I thought about saying, "Forget it, I'll come back in 6 months," but told myself I had made it most of the way, so I could power through. But the fifth needle, I lost my composure. Tears came to my eyes. I was mad at myself for crying ("Buck up, Johanna!" I thought), but I felt totally helpless. In retrospect, I think the tears were certainly caused mostly by pain, but also by the frustration that I was having to endure such pain again. I was mad at my body for doing this to me again. Why was I here??

Poor Dr. Shafiq. She felt terrible when she saw I was crying. She said she didn't normally make people cry, and felt bad that she'd told me it wouldn't be as bad as a breast biopsy (which never made me cry!). Of course I don't blame her. She was compassionate and kind, and laughed at my jokes. And she mispronounced "component" in a way that made all of us laugh a lot, mostly her at herself. After I sat up and cried it off a bit (the tears kept coming, out of my control), she got me some ice and just sat with us for a while, chatting about her dad's work and religious beliefs generally. It was as if she had nowhere else to be, which I find hard to believe since it took a month to even get in and see her. She said for good luck she would schedule an appointment for a year from now, with the assumption that I would fall into the 95% of benign nodules.

She said looking at the cells she got, nothing jumps out at her as suspicious, but she doesn't want to give me false information so she would leave it at that. She will call me by Friday morning, if not before, with the results.

As we left the hospital, I felt a little nauseated by the lingering pain, and exhausted by the whole experience. It feels a little like I was punched in the throat, so, not great. I have been home all afternoon, relying on a pillow to hold my head up so my neck doesn't have to, and trying to rest. And my husband has been waiting on me, and my dog loving on me, so I guess things could be worse.

Many thanks for all the prayers and check-ins. I have been so touched all day by those who have checked in on me. I am truly blessed by all of you. Thank you.