This weekend I celebrated my 31st birthday! 31 seems like a sort of boring age to turn, but my 30th birthday got a bit overshadowed by getting married, buying a house, and beating cancer, so we decided to make up for it this year by having a whole birthday weekend to celebrate. It was a wonderful weekend, which included buying two new dresses (that Michael picked out), going out to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants, spending the day Saturday at Darien Lake and going on the roller coasters and playing in the water park, dinner at my aunt and uncle's house on the lake, and then today after church we went to the surprise 90th birthday party of a beloved parishioner, then met up with a good friend of Michael's and watched Germany win the World Cup. Truly a wonderful weekend, full of sweet surprises, big fun, and lots of time with my fabulous husband whom I love more every day.
It was all a good distraction from what comes this week: yet another biopsy. The appointment for this biopsy was set a month ago - too long ago, frankly - and the weeks have dragged on while I have waited for it to happen. As my friend said yesterday when she checked in on me for my birthday, it just needs to happen already! To which I responded, "That, or never even have to happen." We agreed that was better. I have managed to sort of forget about it, or at least to remove myself from it - to be able to talk about it without any emotional connection to it. Going to California last week helped with that, too. Made me feel more grounded.
But last night, while I was at dinner with my wonderful aunt and uncle, husband, and good friend, it hit me. I let myself imagine Tuesday, imagine having the biopsy, imagine getting the phone call later with... whatever news it brings. I felt an ickiness in my stomach. All those breast biopsies seemed like a cake walk, but this seems in comparison to be just too much. I exclaimed, "Why is this so much harder than any of the other five biopsies I have had??" I should be better at this by now! This is old news.
My wise companions in this journey had a quick answer: "Because we weren't ready for this one," Michael said. "You had steeled yourself for everything else," offered my friend. And my uncle added, "It's like biking to the top of a hill. You see what you have to accomplish, and you prepare yourself for it, you think, 'If I can just get to the top of this hill...'" and then you crest the top and you relax, until you realize that now there is already another hill to climb."
Suddenly, I was on top of that hill, relishing in that moment of flat ground, just getting used to it when I see another hill before me. I felt the devastation of that cyclist, having paced herself for the journey she thought she had before her, and now seeing another hill looming before her.
Oh, it makes me tired to imagine it, but I am also sort of relieved to have this image. I was beginning to think I had gone soft, that I'd lost something of my gumption and spirit. I braced myself so well for everything breast cancer. I was not prepared to so immediately have to deal with something possibly wrong with my thyroid. Still am not prepared, really.
And maybe I won't have to be. All shall be revealed... on Tuesday. After waiting an eternity to have this biopsy, it is now only two days away, and now I'm sort of liking my ignorant bliss. Well, can't stay here forever. Your continued prayers are more than welcome, for me, and for my family. May it be the "nothing" that the doctor says it likely it.
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