1) My war paint has almost completely worn off, but I can still be Super Woman. Now that I am showering (almost) every day again, the marker from pre-op has mostly gone away, though I still have Dr. Skinner's initials written close to my heart (this is practice for any sort of biopsy or removal of body part - just to make sure they don't take the wrong breast!). However, since I still have one drain, I still have to wear my stockings-and-drain necklace when I shower. When I get out of the shower, I notice that the part of the stockings around the back of my neck, what would be the top, looks like a sort of square cape around my neck. I am reminded of the coaster a friend recently gave me that says, "My super girl cape is in the laundry. You'll just have to take my word for it." (My super girl cape is hanging over the shower rod.)
2) My dog is my hero. I loved my little Klaus boy already, but in the past week and a half, I have developed such a deep affection for him - as a dog and friend, and as an indispensable member of my care team. My dad joked in a recent email that I have had around the clock care between Michael and my parents, "and Dachshund Klaus through it all" - but this is no joke! He cuddles up beside me when I'm on the couch, or at my feet, resting his little chin on whatever body part is closest, and everything feels a little calmer. He gives me extra reason to want to get out and try to walk a bit. His various antics keeps the whole family in stitches, whether he is trying in vain to hide his bone from us, or trying to climb us like trees, or chewing on his own ear, or just looking at us with his "study in triangles" face and those irresistible brown points above his eyes. He is empathetic, cuddling up to whomever is the most upset, and very willingly licks up our deliciously salty tears. He trots happily by our side, looking up at us like, "See what a good boy I am?" and suddenly it feels like if we can get a stubborn Dachshund to do what we want, maybe anything is possible!
3) Even though I'm on medical leave, I'm still doing ministry. It occurred to me today that I have visited with more church people in the last week and a half than I normally can in a whole month on the job. Except now I am not the one calling and making appointments to see people; they are calling on me. I receive a meal from either a colleague or a church member almost every day of the week, and one of the joys of this is that I get contact with the outside world without leaving my house, and they all get to see that I'm doing well. Maybe we chat for a few minutes in the kitchen, or maybe they sit down in the living room and we chat for 20 minutes (depending on how I feel!). Either way, I am able to connect with people in this very personal way, a way that is never possible when I am The Pastor. They see me as a real person who gets tired and is in pain and isn't as "on" as I strive to be on Sunday mornings or at meetings. And I see my wonderful congregation have a chance to minister to me in my hour of need. A friend of mine said one of the best things about being on maternity leave was that she was able to attend her church as a pew-sitter, and she learned SO much about her church this way! This is similar - I get the chance to see how beautifully my congregations minister. I do believe this will shape my preaching, my pastoral care, and my day-to-day engagement with my congregations once I am fully back on my feet.
4) Just because I feel better doesn't mean I am better. This is a hard lesson. As I grow stronger each day, I also grow a little cockier each day, believing I can do more than I can, and so the most difficult part becomes reminding myself to let people keep taking care of me, and not to feel bad or lazy for doing it. That is why my parents flew all the way here from California. That is why Michael spends almost every moment that he is not at work by my side, making sure I am comfortable and happy. There have been a couple of days when I feel pretty good, and so I go for a walk, or say, "Yes, come on over!" or try to help get dinner ready, and then guess what? Later that day I am completely wasted and in pain. Okay body, I hear you. I'll do better next time. (After a couples days in a row learning this lesson, I woke up yesterday feeling great, but spent almost the entire day on the couch, hardly even sitting up. And surprisingly, I slept better last night than I have since the surgery, because I didn't wake up in pain at 4am. Go figure.)
5) Being on medical leave is healing body, but also mind and spirit. It was a push, getting ready for surgery. I finished my first two surgeries in October last year, then soon enough it was Advent, then Christmas, then almost immediately there was Lent, and Easter, and then my bridal shower, and then my doctor's appointment... And then my diagnosis. And the emotion. And the decisions. And the looking for a house to buy. And more decisions. And putting an offer on a house. And setting a date for surgery. And preparing myself for this major life change. And the work I needed to do before going on medical leave for a month. And the piles of unread emails. And more emotion. ... And now that's all done, behind me, and all I can do is be. I have caught up on most of those emails (now putting aside work related emails to be dealt with when I return!). I have caught up on some reading. I plan to read some work-related books in the coming weeks, books I really want to read but never seem to have time for (and I admit, assuage some of the guilt I have for having to be gone a month, especially as I start to feel better - that way, this time can double as "continuing education"!). I have time to sit and reflect on my new life, my new body, and to look forward to what a cancer-free future will bring, as well as consider how I'm going to ensure that I remain cancer-free. I have time to breathe. I have time to enjoy being with my parents with no other commitments pulling on us, because they, too, have worked ahead in their work so as to be able to be fully present with me and with Michael. I have time to relax. I have time to help my mom make a quilt. I have time to pray. I have time to write. I have time to focus on me, on healing. This is what health feels like. Please God, let me remember this, and continue to find ways to cultivate such health even as my life resumes its usual busy-ness and activity. Amen.
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