Mastectomy Morning

Merry Cancer Free Day to me!

(Right, keep saying it and it will be true.)

No really, I'm trying to focus on the good. I got up a little earlier than I needed to (forgot to take the time for breakfast out of the equation), so I thought I'd write a quickie.

Slept okay. Didn't really get into a deep sleep (felt like I was thinking the whole time), but didn't toss and turn, so I guess I'll take it.

Took a long shower. Enjoyed the feeling of warm water on my chest, which I will no longer feel after today I guess. Took in what I am used to seeing when I look down. I realized again: I don't really want this boob anymore. It hurts to touch (scar tissue). It just hangs there like a guilty betrayer. What I realized I was saying goodbye to was the nipple. Yes, I could still get one reconstructed, but a reconstructed nipple is nowhere near what a real one is. It doesn't behave... at all really. Good or bad. It's just like a blank, lifeless thing that looks like something that was there once. I will miss the intrigue, if that doesn't sound too weird. I looked at the drawing the plastic surgeon made on me, and remembered how my nipple looked yesterday, as the pupil of the owl eye - today, after a warm sleep and a hot shower, it looked different than it did in the doctor's office. Nipples are weird, but they are definitely interesting, and I shall miss that.

I got out of the shower, put on a nice soft robe, combed my hair. Then I realized I wasn't wearing my engagement ring. I had taken it off the night before so I wouldn't forget. And with this, I almost lost it. The injustice! Not that I would lose my boob today, but that I would have such a beautiful ring and not be able to wear it for three days! How strange are the emotions that this is the loss that I felt more profoundly this morning.

Now I'm dressed. I'm wearing gold faux snake skin ballet flats, because who can be sad when you're wearing shiny gold shoes? I'm packed. I'll take my doggie out, and then Michael will take me to the hospital. And we'll do this thing.

Happy Cancer Free Day to me! *forced smile*