80% chance

Here's where I am right now.

I woke up yesterday and started reading about mastectomies and reconstruction - options, recovery time, etc. (Good way to start Thanksgiving, right? Right.) It sounds absolutely horrible. So after all that, I was feeling like I don't want to do this, not one bit. The impact of reconstruction (whether implants or using tissue from elsewhere in my body) sounds terrible and scary, and the thought of looking at myself and seeing nothing sounds even worse. I Don't Want To Do This.

But it's more than that. We've been saying, "15-20% chance of recurrence." You know what that means? It means I have an 80-85% chance that nothing will come back! That sounds pretty good to me! The way we've been talking about this, it's like it's a sure thing that it will come back in one breast or the other or both, and even that if it does, it will be something life threatening. Not so! There's a 20% chance tops that it will, and of that, a fair chance it will be something non-threatening like the DCIS I already got, that can be removed in one minor, outpatient surgery.

I understand why some people choose to have a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy. Some women WANT to do this. I do not. Not one part of me does. I understand why someone wouldn't want the risk of "the C-word" hanging over their head, and will take all measures to eliminate that risk. But you know what? Been there, done that. I have had the risk of breast cancer hanging over my head for the past 13 years, not to mention the risk of lymphoma recurring, and guess what? It hasn't affected my quality of life in the least. I'm used to it.

Furthermore, say I do cut out (literally) my risk for getting breast cancer again. I'm still going to get in my car and run all those risks. I'm still going to walk my clumsy self up and down stairs every day and run all those risks. I'm still going to be around secondhand smoke, and walk on busy streets, and (God willing) give birth, and live in a city with a lot of violence, and run all the same risks as everyone does to develop a cancer for no apparent reason, just like I did with Hodgkin's. Cutting off my breasts won't take away my risk of dying or getting sick or being injured. It won't restore my peace of mind, because as I said, I haven't had that in 13 years anyway.

So I am really wanting to focus on my 80-85% chance of never seeing breast cancer again, and doing all I can without a surgical knife to be in that 80-85% - take the right vitamins, get exercise, eat right, foster an overall healthy lifestyle, do my self-breast exams, and get regular check ups. When I think about health as wholeness, my boobs are not what come to mind. I think about feeling good, and quality of life, and feeling comfortable in myself, and emotional health, and being surrounded by people I love, and living my life without fear. All of that sounds a LOT better than preemptively cutting off my boobs.