Health, Wholeness, and Hope

When I wrote my post on "80% chance," it was meant to be a "where I am right now" sort of reflection. Thing is, I haven't really moved, but rather become more convicted that this is where I stand on this. Will I still talk to my surgeon about it? Of course. Will I consult a plastic surgeon? Yeah, that's not a bad idea. I want to make this decision with all the information I can get. But the more I think about it, the more I feel like such a drastic move as a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy at age 29 is unnecessary.

This is not to say that I don't trust the good doctors at Dana Farber. If their job is to make the cancer go away and do all they can to make sure it doesn't come back - then yes, cutting off my breasts is the way to go. Eliminate my risk to 0, so I never have to worry about it again. But this doesn't take into account other aspects of my health.

I took a class as a part of my STM degree (master of sacred theology) called Health and Salvation. On the first day, we were asked to reflect on the relationship between health and salvation. The essential link that I came up with between these two was HOPE. Perhaps this was because we had just come out of the Advent/Christmas season, which is all about hope. Perhaps it was because at the beginning of that particular Advent, my grandma passed away, and following her lovely funeral, everyone kept commenting, "It was so full of hope!" Whatever it was, hope became for me a key part of both health and salvation.

Throughout the rest of the class, we talked a lot about the meaning of health and wholeness, and how these terms are defined. And that image of hope stayed with me. For wholeness (and hence health) I also think about the balance of mind, soul, body, spirit, etc., as I reflected on a bit before. Whatever it includes, it does not include acting out of fear. I don't believe I need my breasts to feel whole (at least not in the long rung, though the immediate emotional response to such a step would quite possibly be a sense of lacking). My breasts do not represent my wholeness any more than they represent the entirety of my health.

Yesterday, Michael and I met with my medical oncologist. When I told her what Dana Farber had suggested, she looked quite surprised. She did not feel that was necessary. She said my prognostic score after my surgeries and such was quite low, which is good. As I understand it, this reflects my risk of recurrence, based on aggressiveness, size, margins, etc. She agreed that waiting to do anything more would be fine, as long as I am diligent about self exams, clinical exams, ultra sounds, and mammograms (even if pregnant, I can get a mammogram if they find something they need to check out). I asked, "Does it sound too risky for me to say no, I won't have Tamoxifen, radiation, or a mastectomy, and just take my chances?" She said not at all. 80% is pretty good chances, and I would be well taken care of in the meantime.

So 80% is where I remain. The decision isn't made yet, but that is where Michael and I are both leaning pretty strongly.

I'd be interested in hearing other people's thoughts on what health and wholeness mean - physically, spiritually, emotionally, whatever. We've been doing a lot of thinking and praying about this, but I am always interested in other people's input. Thanks.