I'm getting married in less than two weeks! And, we're having wedding pie and cookies, instead of wedding cake. So... just wanted to throw that out there. That's the reason for the title of this blog.
As those who read my sermon posts as well as my more newsy and reflective posts know, I preached yesterday about just sitting at the feet of Jesus and listening to what God is saying in our lives. It was not an easy sermon for me to write (though it was actually a lot of fun to preach!), because it was so very timely. In fact, in the clergy text study I attend on Tuesdays, I exclaimed to my colleagues, bewildered, "I can't preach this sermon because I haven't found any gospel in it for me yet!" Even as the words came out of my mouth, I reluctantly realized that it was for that very reason that I needed to preach this sermon, and find some gospel in it, doggone it!
Why was it so hard? I have written before about how difficult prayer has been for me going through this particular trial. I reflected recently with both my counselor and my spiritual director about why that might be. It would make sense for it to be because I am angry at God for all this cancer business, but the truth is, I'm not really. Cancer is what it is, and nothing more. It is not God punishing me for some reason. It is not happening to me to teach me a lesson (though lessons certainly have been and will be learned!). It is just something that happened, and I do trust that God has been present with me in it, and will continue to be present with me, and has been and will be present with the many people I have encountered through the experience.
So if I'm not angry with God, then why has this experience made prayer so difficult? And what I finally realized was that while I still believe in God and that God listens to prayer, I have lost trust in my ability to hear God's response to my prayer. I have always felt God calling me to be a wife and mother - so why did it take me so long to find a husband, and then when I finally do, to have this monkey wrench thrown into our dreams of having children? I felt called to be a pastor - so why did I get going in a promising ministry, only to be knocked off my feet by two bouts with cancer? Is it possible I was hearing things wrong? That I was misinterpreting what God has been saying to me? And if I was, then what else have I misinterpreted, or might I misinterpret in the future?
Now, my logical side sees that God could still be calling me to be a wife and mother, it just took this long to find the right person to make that so. We weren't ready for each other before this. I do still believe God called me to be a pastor, and this experience has in some ways been a boon to my ministry. Kind of a lame way to go about this, God, but you got the job done. But the fact remains, I'm feeling a little insecure about my ability to hear God's voice in my life regarding those Big Issues. So when the opportunity arose to preach about listening to God, my guard went up.
After tiptoeing my way through writing that sermon, I started to think that maybe I could practice what I preach. I was amazed how difficult it was. First of all, it took several days to actually be able to try. Finally, I could bring myself to try. But as I lay there one night in the dark, trying to visualize opening my heart and listening, I kept finding I was visualizing my heart as a wounded animal, cowering over its wound, protecting it from further harm. My prayer became less like the active listening and meditation I had planned, and more like just helping that scared creature to trust again. Stroking it, whispering soothing things in its ear. "It's okay... it won't hurt... you can trust again..."
It wasn't unlike my experience trying to run again - I was so scared to try, and then when I finally did I fell. But then I tried again, and it was successful and felt great! I'm still just easing my way back into my previous way of life, it's just that now it is in ways that other people can't see. To an outside person, I wear my clothes fairly normally, I even wore a swimming suit last week (newbie boobie looked great in it!), my energy level is back up, I once again look to be the picture of health. But of course there is more to health than my outward appearance.
This coming Sunday, the Gospel text is Luke's version of the Lord's Prayer, so once again I am faced with prayer as the topic of my sermon. I am going to count this as a gift, because it gives me reason to read a whole bunch about prayer, which I believe will help that wounded heart of mine to heal even more. And then I will preach on that... and then, one week from today, I will head home for my wedding! (This will warrant its own novel worth of blog posts, too, I'm sure!)
Come, Holy Spirit. I'm gonna need you this week more than ever!
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