Choosing life.

"Choose life." (Deuteronomy 30:19)

I went to my spiritual director today, a bundle full of anxiety on the verge of tears. I'm doing my very best to hold myself together, and as you can tell from my last (non-sermon) post, I was doing a pretty good job, at least on and off. But it turns out, I am dealing with a lot right now! Normally a very good compartmentalizer, I have been managing, but my compartments are getting full, and some things are not staying where they are supposed to, and well, today I woke up not very interested in doing anything at all. There's just so much!

There's the house. We're supposed to close this week, but now we are waiting on this person, who is waiting on that person, who is waiting on that management... and we might not be able to close until next week, which means they would have to pull my credit again, which means a ding on my credit. No fault of my own! Not to mention all our carefully laid weekend moving plans would have to be shifted to a much less easy to mange weekday night. Darn that!

There's the fact that I have never spent that much money at one time ever before. Holy smokes, it's a lot of money! And then the wedding expenses, and the fact that I need a new computer, and a new phone, and new tires, and all the new things that go with a new house... I am a saver, so that I never have to feel stressed when big financial things come up. I always have the money. But when I'm also buying a house, the cushion is temporarily diminished. Drat! Michael reminds me that every dollar we put in the house is not lost, but is equity. That helps... but equity won't buy me a new computer or pay a photographer.

There's the wedding - oh yeah, that! It occurred to me today that we had originally planned the wedding for July 20. WHOA if it were still on that day I might have a nervous breakdown. I'm actually not as anxious about that as I maybe should be, though. Michael and I both have plane tickets, as does our officiant, and many people I love will be there, and so it will be fine. The rest could be a disaster (it won't be, though!) and we will still end up married at the end, so I'm not too concerned. (Also, my dear, wonderful parents have been working hard taking care of many of the details! Thank you!!)

There's thinking about being married, and all the changes that go with that. It really hit me for the first time the other day that I wouldn't be Johnson anymore. I've always been Johnson! Joh-Joh! As important as it is to me to share a name with my husband, and as much as I want to be "The Rehbaums," I'm having a little trouble with that. Changing my name, of course, is only the tip of the iceberg!

There's giving up MY home. My home with my stuff, my closets, pictures of my loved ones, and my art, and my sentimental things. Many of these things will go with us (much more of my stuff than Michael's!), and eventually it will be OUR stuff as we build a home together, but that won't be true at first, for either of us. Suddenly this independent woman will have to make space for someone else's personality in her decor and decisions. It's wonderful and exciting even as it is frustrating and scary. I see what they mean when they say marriage is its own kind of loss that requires its own kind of grieving.

And of course, there's the fact that I am still anticipating another mastectomy. Bye-bye boobie #2. And also, as my skin and muscles get used to my new boob, and it settles in, some weird things happen. I now have a muscle that goes over my implant, where for most people the chest muscle lies flat with breast tissue over it. When I flex that muscle, move my shoulder around, whatever, my boob deforms. Fine when I'm wearing a shapely bra under a shirt, or a wedding dress, but how will it look in a swimming suit? And this seems small, but although I can sleep in *almost* any position, there are some that just don't feel right. In a time when everything is changing, do I have to change the way I sleep, too??

All of this together leads to a distinct lack of settledness. So many big things are causing so much anxiety that I can no longer pinpoint the source of the anxiety - it bleeds into everything else in my life. And I'm left with very little to hold onto.

And that's really the key. I talked about all this with my spiritual director today, and she referred to the passage above from Deuteronomy, about choosing life. How am I "choosing life" in my life right now? Because everything that is going on seems to be sucking life from me, so where am I looking to find it, to balance things out a bit? What practical things can I do to seek life? Where do I normally look for something that gets me away from it all? I'd like to say prayer, but prayer is so emotional for me. I cry when Michael or anyone prays for me, I cry when I get too invested in my preaching and Scripture study, I don't have the energy to do more than very simple prayers, so this is not a good escape, even as it may be (is) a good way to process.

So the first things I thought of were soccer and music. Soccer is great because it is active, it is fast, it gives me many short term goals to achieve: get that ball, run to that spot, kick the ball there. (Oh yeah, plus I get to kick things!) But we saw how well my attempt at exercise went a couple weeks ago. Plus running requires too much attention - I am focusing on something too far down the road, with nothing to distract me in the meantime. I'm not currently on a soccer team, nor could I play with much vigor if I was.

Music is also tricky. I can sing and play a little with Michael, which is great, but my choir that I love so much is on hiatus for the summer, and playing my oboe by myself with nothing to prepare for lacks the goal achievement and satisfaction that would feel so good. Both soccer and choir are activities I do in groups of people who are in most other ways removed from my day-to-day life, so they are an escape. They don't require an emotional investment, at least not the same kind as these other things. They are a demand on me, but one that is very easily satisfied, and I enjoy it. and I really think the goal achievement is key: I kick a ball, it gets to where I wanted it to, and it feels good. I see a phrase, I sing the right notes, I pronounce the words correctly, it sounded beautiful.

But I don't have these outlets right now. And for some reason the thought of taking on a new hobby in the midst of so much other newness is not especially appealing. (Go figure, huh?) I just want to do stuff I'm already good at, I'm already comfortable with, that already provide satisfaction. I need some handles, so I can keep a grip on my life.