I'm feeling a little better today. Having processed all of that yesterday with my spiritual director was helpful, and then I processed it again with Michael, and then I made an appointment with my counselor for tomorrow, so I feel like I am closer and closer to having a grip on my life.
I've also been thinking today about the things in my life that are NOT changing. There is so much that is changing, it is hard to keep that from taking over. But I have many wonderful and stable things in my life.
My health, for now. When I was anticipating my last mastectomy, I knew I had cancer growing in my breast. I didn't yet know that it was invasive, but every day was a fear that it was growing, that it was becoming invasive, that it was trying to take more of my life from me. Some of that fear remains - the whole reason I'm having the other one taken off, after all, is because it is at so much higher risk than they realized. But as far as I know, there is no cancer growing in my body, and even though I had my ego-bruising encounter with the pavement (and a few lingering scars to remind me), I feel very good, physically. This is a great blessing.
My family. They ain't goin' nowhere! I have adoring, supportive parents who are so helpful to me, so caring, and would fly to the moon and back for me if they thought it would help. I have a thoughtful, concerned brother, and a sweet, insightful sister-in-law, and a niece or nephew on the way. All of these people are irreplaceable constants in my life, and while my marriage and my brother's on-the-way baby will change some things about the way those relationships are lived out (changing support systems and whatnot), the love we have for each other never changes, except to grow stronger.
My fiance. I am so blessed by him. Every time I hear a story about a marriage that struggled or fell apart because of cancer, or about unsympathetic husbands, or about an inability to talk genuinely about feelings, I give thanks for my own life-giving relationship. I mean, it isn't all rainbows and roses and unicorns (Michael doesn't even like roses), but I am so grateful for our ability to communicate our feelings and our needs and our wants, to not take offense at each other's expressions of these, to be honest, to be patient with each other while we process the more difficult things both independently and together, to pray together when the need arises, and at the end of the day to still be so delighted to see each other and smile and kiss and rub the dog's belly and talk about our days, the mundane and the unusual. What a lucky girl that this guy will be one of my stable things for the rest of my life!
My friends. I have the most remarkable bunch of friends who will listen to me blather on about just about anything, and offer insight and love in return, and then tell me about their own stuff to help me take my mind off of myself for a while. Many of them are flying all the way to California or to Rochester to see me get married - how cool is that?? One of them is moments away from giving birth to my first goddaughter (I think she might be hanging on until my birthday!). I am amazed how many wonderful friends I have, who challenge me, inspire me, comfort me, love me, make me laugh, understand me, and send me really fun things in the mail.
My job. Of all the things that are changing in my life, I can be incredibly grateful that my job, my call, is not one of them. I am immensely blessed to be in the call that I am, among these people, in this place. Changing jobs is always a stressor, but for me, losing the network of love, prayer, and support that my congregations have shown me would be catastrophic. They have carried us through this, and even though I am strung out and lacking energy at this moment, I can't wait to continue serving them.
My God. Thanks be to God! I may not be super thrilled with God at times, and we've definitely had some words over the past months, but the fact is, God is always there, even when we're not on good terms. Even when I can't find the energy to pray. Even when I'm not in the mood for God's shenanigans. God is and remains the primary and most life-giving constant in my life. My rock and my salvation. Whom then shall I fear?
No comments:
Post a Comment