Tight chest on the inside

Okay, I admit it: I am tired. I am anxious. I am ready for it to be 6 months from now.

Physically, I'm great. I'm happy to be back at work. This past Sunday for the children's sermon I played Follow the Leader with the kids, doing some easy and some hard things (because following Jesus isn't always easy!), and had the brilliant idea to crawl under the pew and scoot myself on my belly out into the aisle. I heard a collective gasp from the congregation ("What is she thinking??") but even using that unusual muscle set, I didn't hurt! So maybe that's the litmus test for mastectomy healing - uninhibited children's sermon participation. (Oh maybe it was also going rock climbing the day before... yeah, I guess I'm doing okay!)

So yes, I feel better and better physically, but it's everything else - namely, wedding and house. All these little details that need tending to. All these people I am in touch with for various services: catering, dance floor, sound equipment, florist, homeowners insurance, banks, realtor, lawyer, family members, hotels, moving companies... I might go crazy. Our plan had been that Michael would take the lead on the house, I would take the lead on the wedding, but we're at the point in the house where I have to take the lead because I am technically the one buying the house (Michael's name won't go on it until after all is said and done, or we won't get the First Home Club grant). 

And then, of course, there is packing. Michael has diligently been working on his house and almost everything is packed already, except things he needs day to day. I have not. I have been in denial about needing to do that, somehow forgetting just how long it takes to pack up a house. Ugh, ugh, ugh.

I'm in a constant state of feeling like I've forgotten something, which'll take a lot out of a girl! I'm constantly anxious about everything that needs to get done, and fearful that I'll let something important fall through the cracks. And feeling this way about these two big (but exciting!) things in my life pretty much affects everything else, too. 

My chest is tight. After being so good about my exercises to stretch out the chest muscle affected by the mastectomy, now it is tight again, but this time on the inside. The other night, I said to Michael. "I'm so anxious. My chest is all tight." He asked if I needed to pray. "Yes!" So he held me, and he prayed - a beautiful prayer, all the things I needed, that we both needed. At one point he said something to effect of, "Get us to October..." and I lost it. Tears began. October is my next mastectomy. Though he couldn't see my face, Michael quickly noticed and went on, "To November. To Christmas." Better, but I was stuck on October. When he finished, I said, "Mastectomy in October. I was compartmentalizing that." I didn't even realize the extent to which I was. Sure, I know it's happening. I've come to terms with it. I don't want it - or sometimes I do (mostly when I don't want to wear a bra, which I won't have to do with two fake boobies!) - but I'm okay with it having to happen. But the emotional endurance required for that... I do not have it. I will, I just don't yet. 

I saw a colleague on my morning walk yesterday, and told him all this. He suggested focusing on this prayer: "Breathe in me, Breath of God." I was noticing how frequently I forget to breathe, so this seems sound counsel. Then today, just as I was writing this blog, my spiritual director sent me this wonderful prayer:

 Thanks be to you, O God,

        for the stirrings of new life in me this day,

        for rising from the dreams of the night

        to a fresh flowing of energy,

        for the vitality that awakened my body

        and the desires that stir my soul.

 

    Let me know the power for life that is in me,

        the life-force that is in my senses

        and the might that is in my heart.

    Let me know you, O God, as the source of such force

        and be wise to its true streams.

    Let me serve You, O God, with my strength this day,

    Let me serve You, O God,  with my strength.

        In heart and mind and body this day

        Let me serve You, O God.

 

from J. Philip Newell's A Celtic Psalter

I am being cared for all around, it would seem!

On a related note, while I was avoiding packing yesterday, my friend and I made this video for my dad for his 64th birthday. Because when you have too much to do, learning a new computer program and creating a project is the best choice.