Gadzooks, finally.
It is great to have a closing date, and to be able to plan accordingly. I have movers scheduled to come on Thursday to get the big stuff, and we will spend the next three days moving the last things, setting up the new house, and trying to make our new house feel at least a little bit like a home, so that when we return from our mini-honeymoon at 1:30am in a couple weeks, we will have, you know, a bed to sleep in, and access to our clothes.
Having a closing date and all these things in place has made the experience much more real. Of course I knew movin' out was going to happen, but now it really, really is. So I had to put my lack of motivation to pack aside and finally get to work. (But I didn't work too hard, because I've heard the working too hard can give you a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack.) I had some friends come and pack up most of my dishes, so the big stuff is packed, and a lot of stuff can stay in dresser drawers, or go in my backseat, but there is still a fair amount to do, so I set out to do it.
And then I had a bit of a melt down.
It started with growing increasingly mopey. I took down the international crosses wall (I have a collection of crosses from around the world), and Michael said, "Aww, putting that up was one of the first things I helped you with!" Yup. It went in a box. I took everything off my fridge (it looks so naked). I put some knickknacks in a box. My home looked less and less like my home.
Finally, I took down the first thing I put up when I moved in. For an ordination gift, my parents gave me this plaque that belonged to my grandparents, along with a simple brass cross. The plaque says, "Christ is the head of this house, the unseen guest at every meal, the silent listener to every conversation." My mom explained that in all the moving my grandparents had done, this had always been placed right by the entryway to each home. I was thrilled, and delighted to put it up in my new home when I moved to Rochester. It was, as I said, the first thing I put up, because having it there immediately made it feel like my home. I have admired it many times, every time I come home or leave, in fact, because just like my grandparents had, I placed it right at the top of the stairs where you first enter my apartment.
Now, I took it down and placed it in a box. This piece that had meant so much to me, that symbolized for me in some ways that I was really starting out in the life God intended, in my own apartment paid for with money I was earning doing God's work (rather than student loans!)... now it was going in a box. And I could feel the tears welling up inside me.
I tried to power through it, but I was zapped. I curled up beside Michael on the couch, and told him the whole story.
It wasn't laziness or lack of motivation that had prevented me from packing to this point, I said. It was that I didn't want to say goodbye to this. This is my first home that is really mine, that has my furniture, my art, my special things, my memories of places and people who have been important to me, and is paid for with money that I earned in my vocation. For me, it has represented adulthood, and feeling settled somewhere for the first time since I left for college. I made it into a home, and it became for me a haven, a place to refuel, a place where I could go to fill up my heart and feel swaddled in love and safety, a place where I was proud to invite people in and share a piece of myself with them... and it has done all of this for me through some pretty big things. Yes, I know the new house will become our home, too, and will have its own set of emotions and love. But it will be OURS. This one was MINE, my first go at creating a home - sewing the curtains, arranging the furniture, filling the pantry, decorating the walls to my very own liking.
And I'm putting all of that into boxes. And it is hurting my heart.
This afternoon, Michael and I will do our final walk-through of the new house, make sure everything is in order before we close tomorrow. I am hoping that we will see it empty, and will be able to envision it as ours, with our personality in it rather than its previous owners'. I'm hoping that will cheer my aching heart, and make it easier to let go of all that I have loved so much about my current home, my apartment and neighborhood that I have loved so much.
And I hope that after I have said a proper goodbye to my current home, that my heart will be ready to create a new, wonderful home with my beloved! We do have some pretty spectacular plans about what our home will be. :)
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